Lately I'm like...

..Waking up in the morning earlier than usual because the cat keeps waking us up at odd hours. I would make my usual coffee, esconce myself on the couch and do the daily Wordle. This has become a comforting ritual now; I share it with Leila who shares hers (either earlier before she goes to bed or after because she’s in the Philippines). And then with Sam, Mary & Ruth (Sam solving it later in the day as per usual).

And now we’ve added Quordle- which is a massive, nose-bleeding four-panel nightmare- but this is reserved for the end of the day, right before the horrible evening news. Because if you can get through the puzzle and get all four, nothing will faze you- not even the gory sight of Putin marching into Ukraine topless and frothing at the mouth.

Ugh. Should we care about Ukraine and Russia?? Should we care about the protests in Wellington?? Should we care about anti-vaxxers and the far-fucking-right spreading their poison all over the world??

I don’t care BECAUSE I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF IT.

I’m gonna do just me for now.

I'm actually fine...

..but not inclined to write about it. And this is the thing- I don’t do that much writing anymore. Work is fulfilling. Work makes me happy, I’m good at it, I’m fast and efficient, and I get paid well. But it’s no longer just writing.

At the end of the day, I finish chores, get to work-out (and can see changes in my body that I like) and I need to rest and relax, and there’s Netflix, my reading list (Gabriel Garcia is next, ugh), Lily the cat.

And then I remember writing so I open a fresh page (I’m currently using Evernote) and then close my eyes. When I was younger, there was a whole different world to see when I opened them. Now, it’s just this ratchet real one that I see. It’s like, I’ve lost that access. And I’m stuck here, but then you know, it’s fine, I’m happy. But there’s always a but…

Both Sides Now

I watched the Apple TV + film Coda the other day and I cried and cried.

It also made me obsessed with the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now, which is the song highlight of the film that deals with a young girl- the only one who could hear in a hearing-impaired family- who loved singing. Don’t mind some familiar plot elements; the heart of this film is anchored by incredible performances by a cast who are actual deaf actors (including Oscar winner Marlee Matlin).

The movie today got Oscar nods for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor (for deaf actor Troy Kotsure)

21

small and inconsequential things

I found myself in the last few days, doing small, seemingly inconsequential things like finally getting containers for the olive and rice bran oils that I’ve been using for cooking. We got white plastic squeeze bottles, the kind you’d find at a restaurant and labelled them accordingly. Now they’re no longer in their 2 gallon and two-litre containers near the stove with an invisible pool of oil underneath. No matter how careful you were hoisting them up and tipping them over, there was almost always a small rivulet of oil that ran down the side which you end up not bothering to wipe off. And now that’s changed. And after that, I moved on to sorting the coffee area; threw away expired packets of protein powder; empty boxes of tea and using the espresso machine again. And this weekend, it’s sorting the pantry, rearranging the cupboards and doing an inventory on baking stuff, because yes- if I end up getting a Kitchen Aid mixer for the birthday, I just might take baking a bit more seriously.

Chores- they may seem insignificant, but they can save your mind you know..

Boosted

ants in a jar full of sugar

Someone on Twitter was asking where the cicadas were and how quiet these long summer nights have been, and today, they’re loud enough for me to actually notice them.

And ants are back too. I saw a trail from the banana peelings I had left on the counter and followed it to the area where we have our tea and coffee stuff and sure enough, black ants had found their way into a partly open jar of white sugar.

So I placed the jar onto a deep plate with water in it and suddenly realised, what was the point of this really?? While it solves the problem of preventing more ants from going into the jar, what would you do with those already inside?? Would they be enticed perhaps to go out of the jar and be dumb enough not to notice the water and drown?

But this is a habit that I’ve been doing since I was a child. My mother was always equating wastefulness as a sort of sin so we were encouraged to be thrifty as much as we could. We cut toothpaste tubes in half so we could scrape the remainder inside. Leftover food was eaten two or three times until it was gone.

And as for jars with ants inside them? We had to scrape off as much of the ants inside that were on top and salvage the rest of the sugar.

I started to do this when I realised that we don’t really use white sugar. I haven’t even drunk real coke in over 15 years and use stevia for my coffee. We only had this sugar leftover for when I baked something (which I don’t do often).

So I took the jar off the plate and put it under the hot tap, washing out all the ants and the sugar inside.

Bye.

Stop. It doesn't really concern you

You know what, it’s a beautiful day; I’ve finished my work; the cat looks happy resting under a side garden we’ve fixed up that’s now flourishing and healthy; I finally shed 1.5kgs (not that I even needed to when my weight is an ideal 74kgs); it’s a Thursday and there’s a relaxing three-day weekend ahead.

So why be bothered by anti-vaxxers, the Marcoses or people complaining why Chanel had a horse trot down its runway??? THEY COULD ALL GET FUCKED. Bye.

1. Try to make one free day of the week, truly your day (like today). DON’T look at your work-emails, DON’T think about work. Think about you. Think about what you’re truly feeling when you look outside the window, something you’ve always done and akin to taking a deep breath.

2. To realise that you like to be be organised, but some things to make it happen just don’t work. Stuff like writing apps with labels and word counts and prompts. Fuck that. You were able to write in the past without any of that.

3. But need to plan food. Need to have a specific flavour to look forward to. Taste of excess on Saturday (Sam’s birthday dinner). Taste of basic on Sunday (chicken nuggets, commercial spring rolls with the girls).

and just like that

Doyet and Jong had gone to Christchurch for the week so I decided to spend my two working from home days in Papakura just to see how the kids were. And of course they were fine; I forget that two of the kids are over 20 and that Chini at 10 has enough vocabulary to solve the Wordle game I left open on my phone. She got the word EPOXY.

Plus, the fridge is groaning with food, and I remember how we were back at my house during the pandemic when we were locked in with our $300 per fortnight food budget. That didn’t include snacks and we rationed those. But it was fine. I had started working out again and I felt physically great so non-essential food wasn’t really tempting at all.

And then ‘normality returned just before Christmas. We started trusting the supermarkets again. We were snacking twice a week again. We thought we could plan fabulous birthdays again (private dining room with a custom menu).

And just like that, we’re standing on the precipice of another Covid wave with omicron. Like WTF (though of course, we all knew this, but still..)

For a minute there (exacerbated by working on some work-comms when I’m actually on leave), I thought I couldn’t do it all over again. All 4 months of it or longer who knows, no matter how well planned or how well-oiled I made my daily routine to be.

By request from the kids, we had Papa’s Korean chicken for dinner- those crispy, Moorish bites, your palate cleansed with cool, slightly astringent radish cubes. It was only at the end of last year’s lockdown that we were able to have some takeaway food, not that it really mattered enough to line up at the crack of dawn which is so stupid.

But you actually thought, you were finally back to whatever place you were before all this happened; when you felt safe. When you could make plans and make them happen.

But who am I kidding? This is where I am, and I have to adapt fast before it gets the better of me.

Office essentials

1. AirPods (the fucking 3rd gen ones don’t fit- I had to put a ‘condom’ over them so they could stay stuck inside my ears but just barely).

2. An external drive (where all my working files are so I could work literally anywhere as long as I have it and a laptop).

3. Sunglasses

4. Readers

5. gum

6. mask

7. sweet treat (just for this week).

The essentials

1. a bottle of Morello cherries for your Tequila Sunrise cocktails

2. Prunes for the fibre

3. bananas for your oats in the morning

4. tuna for your lunches (which goes with rice and four eggs)

5. artificial sweetener (in 2021, I went back to having the tiniest amount of raw sugar for my espressos for about four months).

6. fresh underwear (for the new year)

Back to the office

Who doesn't want to be in the office?

There’s free coffee from a professional-grade coffee-maker, cookies and biscuits on the house, a one-hour break (30 minutes for morning tea and 30 for lunch) and great air-conditioning?

Assessing 2021

I never look back. I may glance over once and while, but what is done is done.

I don’t remember even half of my past, only because I’m 101% sure, that I never, ever repeat bad decisions, not that I’ve actually made many.

But it’s the habits that can trip us. It’s those little things like not taking care of your body (I’m good at this, but don’t want to be that ‘perfectly’ healthy person that dies suddenly of a heart attack and becomes a cautionary tale); postponing things far too often (like trips to the dentist), or buying things too often (I give myself a B+ for 2021).

So in assessing 2021, I think I could have done better, way better. So for 2022, I will try again and perhaps harder this time.

That’s all we can really do…