I'm hungry

I reward myself with three things- tech, nice clothes and food.

Since I really need to think about retirement, I’ve put a sensible brake on the 1st two and as for the third, it’s kind of tricky, very tricky. In the Philippines, you can eat cheap, and it’s healthier. A bit of rice, heaps of vegetables and fish. I could live on that with pork barbecue and lechon once a month.

But eating healthy in New Zealand is expensive. You can count with your ten fingers, how many vegetables there are at any given time and even less in winter when your best bet is frozen. Seafood is not a staple and more of a luxury unless you were willing to rent a boat or go on a charter to catch your ow which is ridiculous. I love salmon but it’s not something you can eat every day and I’ve seen the price go up and up and up since 2008.

I avoid processed carbs, sugars and some fats (!), so essentially, my diet has come to consist of nothing but espresso in the morning; there was a couple of weeks at the start of this year’s lockdown when I had an oat-meal run, but I got sick of that; I would have the occasional bread, but would pick those fancy sprouted variants; for lunch, the previous night’s left-overs if there’s any would do; more coffee during the day and then dinner which is normally a protein and some carbs like rice or vegetables. I think I average less than 2,000 calories a day.

It’s a bit more than that during the weekend where I do have a proper lunch (sushi or a meal called Katsubi which is like sumo wrestler food but with more meats and veggies and less or no carbs; and then for dinner we rotate around chicken (baked chicken wings or air-fried), pork (belly) or beef roasts. And snacks! I love what they call crisps (potato chips) which I’ve started to lessen and ice-cream- I’m not completely lactose-intolerant and can finish off a whole container.

And because I don’t get enough vegetables, I’ve taken to taking fibre supplements along with four other supplements which I’ve been taking for the better part of 15-20 years.

But I’m hungry..I’m a hungry man…

Keep using it until it's manky. Don't.

Nothing makes you feel older than losing your teeth.

You can regenerate your skin (to a certain extent), you can start building even better muscles at way past your 40s, you can be slim forever (well, I am), but if your teeth are fucked, that’s it. Having fake teeth put in don’t count. I realised this yesterday when the dentist told me I needed to get an impacted wisdom tooth removed. I’ve been putting off going to the dentist for the longest time because I just couldn’t get over the cost of care in this country- and yet, here I am mulling whether to get a new pair of Yeezy’s.

So take heed, stop drinking coke with real sugar, quit smoking and book a dental clean ASAP. You can’t keep using your teeth until they’re manky like my bakeware which I threw out today (all of them save for a few, still good, far from manky spring-form pans) when a whole new set arrived today, bought from the Labour Weekend sale at Briscoes.

Notes on a long weekend

1. Didn't feel compelled to wake up early today as I’ve done most of the bigger chores the day before.

2. The weather forecast is overcast and some rain; staying-in-bed-weather

3. When I was younger, I spent the most part of the weekend in bed reading.

4. I should seriously read something more than the news (even if it’s the New York Times). Reality I’m beginning to think, is deadening to the soul.

5. I don’t feel the same way for movies though.

6. I’ve started on organising gifts; the budget seems to be growing bigger every year

7. How do you scale down on gifts though without looking like you’re watching your budget

8. But it’s my fault, to not have stuck to a budget and now you’re stuck there though I’m sure they won’t mind.

9. Saw someone in their car today smoking a real cigarette! Now that’s a sight you rarely see.

Monday: 62nd (?) day in Covid-19 lockdown

I hope it doesn't sound genuine, but I have to say- and this is important that I say this- that I’m fortunate. So I feel less guilty (not that I’m doing anything wrong to be guilty about) that I’m spending it taking care of myself no matter how selfish and self-centred that sounds. What use would I be too anyone if I was sick (all it takes is a KFC meal two days in a row) and depressed? I could be sick but depressed, I don’t think so. I think I’m wired for enthusiasm and good cheer 24/7.

I’m not suddenly like The Rock lol- I don’t even want to be that huge, gross (no offence to The Rock). But my body has stabilised. I don’t get the aches and pains on the 2nd day after a work-out, which sort of sabotaged whatever gains I’ve made because it would make me stop, then resume a couple of days later.

Because of the extended lockdown, I was able to weather the pain and lethargy of those days and plowed on, increasing the intensity of my work-outs and the frequency to the point where I do two rest days in seven days- not going to be stupid and not rest.

I’ve bought some weights, but knowing how quickly the body gets bored by the same work-outs, I’ve thrown in a huge variety of work-outs- decreasing push-ups; yoga and dumbbell circuits. I’m still very much house-bound by choice, and really haven’t done much cardio outdoors. Haven’t really been doing targeted ab-work, but…it’s definitely been 201% better than the last time. The whole point is NOT being comfortable- comfort is complacency .

My goal is that when it’s finally safe to go out there, I can transition easily to going to a gym and getting professional advice- yeah, I can afford personal trainers now! (you pay a little bit to eliminate the guesswork that comes from figuring out things by yourself).

#SuperSaturday #vaxathon

I hate anti-vaxxers.

It takes every ounce of my willpower to not tweet something like all of you should just 💀💀💀.

Everyone pitched in today for the effort to ramp up vaccinations even if the effort amounted to that of bribing a child with sweets to take their medicines. Growing up, my mother didn’t waste her time on such niceties. If we didn’t take our medicines or followed what the doctor said, we would die or be in terrible agony she would tell us matter-of-factly. It was our choice.

So to hear grown-ass people refusing something that has made the human race survive the Spanish flu smallpox and polio because they read something on Facebook makes my blood boil. If I was the leader of a country, I would do what my mother did. Fuck your freedoms you anti-vaxxer.

PS: but to quote Zeynep Tufekci from the New York tmes:
Anger — and even rage — at all this may be justified, but deploying only anger will not just obscure the steps we can and should try to take, it will play into the hands of those who’d like to reduce all this to a shouting match.

Instead, we need to develop a realistic, informed and deeply pragmatic approach to our shortcomings without ceding ground to the conspiracists, grifters and demagogues, and without overlooking the historic inequities in health care and weaknesses in our public health infrastructure. It’s not all fair, and it is not a Hollywood ending, but it’s how we can move forward.

the struggle is real

• Lily the cat has been changing where she sleeps and I get woken up in the middle of the night as she comes and goes; her paws on my chest feel like gentle concentrated pokes.

• The cookies haven’t shipped and I have this sinking feeling that when they do arrive, opening them would be a surprise. But small businesses are struggling and at the end of the day, it’s just unhealthy sugar I shouldn’t be having. Not be going to be that person mouthing off on social-media over something as petty as cookies.

• And talking about mouthing-off on social media, when I see people who praise the Marcoses as if they’re the second coming of Christ, I’m like DEAR LORD, steer me away from evil. I’m back on Twitter and wanting to be clean this time (follow me? @rufino_amor)

• There’s no food in the house. I was thinking of ordering some fish and chips across the road, but ended up opening a can of spaghetti. Yup, spaghetti in a can.

• Still waiting on a new pair of shoes. Yup, a new pair again.

• Tuesday feels like Thursday

• What to get for Christmas?

• I need to see a dermatologist like ASAP

• I need to see a dentist first lol

Monday

Today was okay; sometimes, getting through the day quietly and efficiently is all you need

Air Zoom Tempo NEXT% x Off-White™

Slow crawl today

I’m only on 37.5 hours a week so on Fridays, I finish up at 2pm. This arrangement was a throwback from when I first started and nearly everyone else has converted to 40 hours. I’ve thought about it too many times to count, but haven’t made the plunge (once you go 40, you can’t revert back). I thought about the money- the additional 2.5 hours is what wage-wise? Pre-tax $5K? Didn't convince me. For one thing, on some Fridays, I work beyond 2pm- my choice, so money is not a factor.

And this is the thing about work- on some days, it feels like work. Like today. It feels like a slow crawl to 2pm and I know for sure that when it hits 2, I’m clocking off. Unless my boss rings for something. These are the days- who knew I’d be one to crave for sunshine but I do now. Today is over-cast with a hint of rain, hardly inspiring. But I did the laundry anyway during morning tea break because I had to do stuff.

So I’m actually glad, I’m off at 2. Happy weekend everyone!

End of the week

Got my 2nd dose of the Pfizer vaccine today dressed in a pink hoodie, sweat shorts and Nikes with red socks. After the shot, I was asked to wait out my 20 minutes in a holding area with three other people- seniors- who warmly welcomed me as if I was suddenly part of an exciting new order- the vaccinated.

In about 10 minutes, our bond was even made stronger by the fact that we all shared the same sentiment- that people who refuse to be vaccinated, or are skeptical of it, or worse, actively worked and campaigned against it, were scum of the earth.

And of course I went there because I couldn’t help myself; well, the day will come when we come face to face with a Covid mutation that’s far more lethal than any current variant, let’s see how they’ll deal with that’

Everyone went quiet. I waited for a bit thinking they were all formulating their response to that, but nope. Silence.

Okay!

Where you at?

The ties that bind
My fraternity brothers from college have set-up this Viber chat group and after all these years, we’re all still what we’ve always been. J the joker; M the rich guy; S still-doesn’t-like-me; B is still tense; B2 still the nice guy. There’s a couple I miss- L, who is MIA; M who is still as dodgy as ever. And then those who have passed on- D and A. Plans are being made for 2022 and I’m thinking, I’d like to get there. I don’t think it’s too optimistic to believe that I can drag my ass to the Philippines in a year’s time. As we normally say in the fraternity- ‘S__ R___ Fight!’

Sept 11
I believe Anna gave birth after Sept 11 not sure really, But I remember watching the events on the news unfold knowing that Chris was on his way to the airport. Happy 20th birthday to my goddaughter Angela.

Not hard enough
I’m inherently lazy and I think it’s genetic. I see my brother and remember my uncles and how they lounged about with their lanky bodies, smoking and being chill. It’s not really laziness, but more of an aversion to too much effort, which is what you need to get abs. I know that I’m vain, but I know it goes way beyond vanity when I refuse to slouch (even if no one is looking); or to not eat anything until noon so that my stomach feels flat and firm; or to dress impeccably even when just buying something at the dairy just across from my house. It’s because I’m still alive and kicking goddamn it and when I am, I will try to be my best 24/7. But then I feel I don’t try hard enough- or harder. And these days I am, trying even harder even if I must admit, I’m inherently lazy.

Stuff
I want the new Go Pro 10; still hemming and hawing about getting the new iPad Pro with the M1 chip; NOT buying a new iPhone this year; I want a new drone; I want a medium-format camera.

Fuck off to (and I’m avoiding having my new Twitter account suspended)
Still the Republicans; the state of Texas; all the American states that are Republican; anti-vaxxers; Nicki Minaj; anti-maskers; athletes who want to eat their cake and have it too; a generation who want to eat their cake and have it too and have the audacity to cancel people who call them out; David Seymour and Judith Collins; Bongbong Marcos and his entire fucking family; historically challenged Filipinos who support Bongbong Marcos; and the entire corrupt, ratchet Duterte government.

When it's actually a blessing being bored

It was a Tuesday when it was announced that there was a community case of Covid, and that Patient 0.2 had been to a million places. I was at home early, in bed and on instinct, went to a supermarket website to get online delivery. A million other people had the same idea, but had gone to a physical store instead. This was Sam and me last year thinking we were clever in leaving the house for the nearest supermarket 15 minutes before the prime minister could announce lockdown, but we didn't get squat. A thousand other cunts had gone there first and the staff decided to close.

I could feel the website crashing at some point but I held on and an hour and a half later, successfully got my order. I spent the next couple of days/weeks working, with the supermarket website open and refreshed every 30 minutes to catch one of the precious few slots for delivery, and so far have been 100% successful- this was a good thing because the supermarkets became a hot-bed of Covid exposure sites.

Doing and waiting for the grocery deliveries is pretty much the only exciting thing during lockdown which is still ongoing.

Trash, garbage people

1. Anti-vaxxers

2. The Taliban

3. The Russian government

4. The Chinese government

5. Republicans

Belated happy birthday Lei

This is time. You just don’t see how fast it’s going probably because maybe, it’s not real. Not real in the way you think anyway. Our cat Lily sleeps most of the day. In between, she eats, poops over the storm drain on the curb (I’ve seen her do it twice, squatting gingerly over the grates), follows scents or tries to pick fights with other cats. But she sleeps most of the time, and if you think of it, this is probably the most important thing it does in its life. It seems like it’s nothing, but it’s fundamental to its existence.

I wouldn’t even try to think what is fundamental to humanity’s existence anymore. When I try, I hit this ceiling in my consciousness and I’m like, yeah, I don’t really care. Hitting this ceiling physically hurts; and it puts me in a foul mood, a nasty spiral of negativity and toxicity where the only outlet is lashing out (pointlessly) on social media, where thankfully, I’ve been banned and it’s fine with me, because it was the only way out of that motherfucking hole.

But I’m really more concerned with what’s fundamental to me. Is it work? Is it some lifelong dream put on the back burner for far too long? Is it proving that you are this, or that? Is it learning something as stupidly simple as driving (maybe it’s not so simple); or taking on an endeavour we used to think wasn’t us, like a business? Is spending over $4,000 a year on clothes really me?

I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. I feel like I don’t have enough time as I used to. Or maybe I do.

Maybe I’ll do what Lily the cat does - just relax. Sleep.

Birthdays

?

There’s a photo of me about to blow a candle or candles on a cake. I’m wearing my good clothes; a short-sleeved polo shirt and pants. The shirt has some prints on it but I believe it’s basically white. I’m not sure though because the photo is black and white. All the neighbourhood kids crowd around me and I remember some of the faces, some of whom were kids much older than me. I’m probably standing on a high bench, hunched over the cake, my short arms solidly planted on both sides. I look like a princeling biding my time as if waiting for instructions from the photographer when to blow the cake. I look neither happy nor sad. I look business-like; as if I somehow knew how all this was going to play out.

I don’t remember how old I was, and I couldn’t remember how many candles there were on the cake which would’ve given than information.

20 - 30

Can’t remember at all.

40

It was a good year, but I just didn't feel like announcing it because it seemed that I already was, on Facebook. The word ‘blessed’ was being bandied around as if God was in a great mood and was passing good fortune around like party favours. I finally learned this - I don’t need to explain my life to anyone but you can always ask me. And guess what? Nobody does. Deleted my Facebook account and celebrated it by cooking three dishes I had been craving.

Thank you for the gifts!

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Easter postscript

Feeling just a bit running on low, work-wise and thinking there was going to be a break soon - like a long holiday - when I realised I had worked through the holidays.

I don’t mind it to be honest. I enjoy the work; I enjoy the privilege of it; It gives me a chance to prove that I deserve that privilege; and these aside, the overtime $$$$$$ is a nice cushion.

But I feel damned tired which I keep trying to brush away as half-mental….I’m nearly convinced though.

Easter - or Lent - in the Philippines is a far memory. As far as my inability to be able to look inward like I used to without all the crutches I have now- the phone, the internet, this satisfying, contented life.

I don’t even commune with Him like I used to and I think, I’ve become that Catholic I used to mock; those who pray only when they need something. And do I have everything then? I’d like to say that I’ve always been practical and specific about the things I want so yes, I think I have everything I think I need and wanted.

There are a couple of things however that are beyond the power of prayer - still working on those.

Today Feb 14

Happy Valentines! I felt like buying chocolates- for myself of course but then thought nah. I’ve begun putting a tiny bit of brown sugar into my espressos lately, so I should be cautious of over-doing it. Don’t want to be suddenly diabetic.

Auckland goes into another lockdown today as there are three Covid cases of still unknown origin in the community.I could say ugh, but I actually welcome it- you get to control the spread, and you get some quality work done at home without all the office distraction. Win-win really.

Plus we get to spend some quality time with our new cat Lily; and get to write; and get to work-out.

Triple win and fuck Covid!

Today Feb 12

Protect your tree
I have a favourite tree at the Papakura Central Park. It is some sort of pine. When I pass by it, I always stop and put my hands on its trunk, my eyes closed for a moment. Being connected to a living organism is not stupid; but developers who can’t work their way around them are. Would I protest when my favourite tree is in danger of being cut down? I won’t be as brave, but this kid is.

People who voted for Trump are also complicit
If you’re watching the Trump Impeachment Proceedings The Sequel, you’d know that it’s pointless reasoning with a party that sacrificed their testicles at the altar of Trump. So now the House Democrats want to convince the 73 million or so who voted for him. Good luck with that! Those stupid turds are even worse.

Purchase
I bought an adjustable weights bench for $154 on Trade Me. It came unassembled of course like everything else in this country. But putting it together wasn’t as hard as I thought. It actually gives you an idea on how sturdy it is; let’s put it this way- it’s just right for my 5 foot 8 and a half, 74 kilogram frame. Any heavier = 👻. So officially starting on weight training again which I’ve postponed for the longest time.

Law of nature says, only the fittest survive
And this applies to businesses as well. Queenstown is still moaning about its situation and still deaf, blind and dumb to the reality of 2021 which hasn't changed much from 2020- Covid is still raging; vaccines are not the 100% guaranteed fix we expected them to be; we still need to have our borders closed. The loss of a business is not comparable to people getting sick and dying, period.