This is time. You just don’t see how fast it’s going probably because maybe, it’s not real. Not real in the way you think anyway. Our cat Lily sleeps most of the day. In between, she eats, poops over the storm drain on the curb (I’ve seen her do it twice, squatting gingerly over the grates), follows scents or tries to pick fights with other cats. But she sleeps most of the time, and if you think of it, this is probably the most important thing it does in its life. It seems like it’s nothing, but it’s fundamental to its existence.

I wouldn’t even try to think what is fundamental to humanity’s existence anymore. When I try, I hit this ceiling in my consciousness and I’m like, yeah, I don’t really care. Hitting this ceiling physically hurts; and it puts me in a foul mood, a nasty spiral of negativity and toxicity where the only outlet is lashing out (pointlessly) on social media, where thankfully, I’ve been banned and it’s fine with me, because it was the only way out of that motherfucking hole.

But I’m really more concerned with what’s fundamental to me. Is it work? Is it some lifelong dream put on the back burner for far too long? Is it proving that you are this, or that? Is it learning something as stupidly simple as driving (maybe it’s not so simple); or taking on an endeavour we used to think wasn’t us, like a business? Is spending over $4,000 a year on clothes really me?

I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. I feel like I don’t have enough time as I used to. Or maybe I do.

Maybe I’ll do what Lily the cat does - just relax. Sleep.