Snap

Do images say more about what a person is and what their life is all about? I do hope so, because I’ve been struggling with writing about my life. Something just refuses to flow.

I remember when I was younger when it was so much easier. But I was obviously a different person then. I didn’t have any friends, I never left the house, I spent the day reading and day-dreaming and later, writing. Being alone creates the perfect conditions for writing.

But I’m never alone now, haven’t been in a very, very long time. Real life isn’t what I expected it to be, but I’ve made my peace with it. I’ve found my place in it. I’ve found the things that allow me to live comfortably, according to social standards as well as my own. I’ve found the pursuits that give me joy and contentment. I’m learning to set aside the things that I can’t control or have no power over. I’ve put aside the mistakes I’ve made, apologised for some of them and have never repeated them again. I try every day to be kind. I try every day to push aside bad thoughts like grabbing the phone of this idiot in my 7:05am bus who insists on playing his shit music out load, and slapping it across his ugly face.

Real life as it unfolds every single day is the best story of all. At the end of one, I discover that I neither have the energy or the creative words to write about it.

I’ve lived it and survived to live the next one- isn’t that enough? So can I just take a photo please?

Out of office

Holidays are exhausting. When you get back, you realise that you need a holiday to recover from the holiday. But with steadily accumulating leave that I can’t even accumulate, I decided to take the whole of the Easter break, my birthday leave and tomorrow’s Anzac Day for a grand total of eight days to do fuck all. Well, actually did a lot. We took a car to the island of Waiheke, did a 24km bike ride of the island, and marvelled at how the rich locals spent a normal Wednesday night drinking $300 wines and nibbling on exquisite, but tiny pieces of roasted lamb loin (it was very good).

Today

The Lenten season of my childhood is gone. I can be dramatic and say something stupid like, where is God, but I know the answer to that. He’s here, in me. I think of kindness and empathy and generosity every day. I try my best to be kind, emphatic and generous every day. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. But I know that God is not keeping tally. He just wants you to try, every single day for as long as you’re alive. That’s all you can do.

But yeah, I miss the traditions. I guess, it’s kind of the point of Catholicism- the pageantry gives the season its allure and its mystique. You deprive yourself of meat, of entertainment, you think of an entity with superhuman powers yet had allowed himself to be nailed to a cross so that you will be saved (from what, it didn’t really matter). When I was young, I believed all of that but on a level that was more philosophical than mystical.

When I grew older, it became easier to take that path and not because I believed it any less. Some were just silly (Mark Wahlberg sporting his Ash Wednesday smeared forehead on his socials), antiquated (the Stations of the Cross) or stupid (not eating meat).

I remember on one of my mother’s visits to New Zealand that happened to fall on Lent, we were craving for squid, but only if it was sold with ink which you most always never find here.

But by the miracle of Jesus and Mary, we found one at Pak N Save, but alas, the staff wouldn’t sell it to us; they were mortified that a packet had slipped through their quality control.

We had to explain (and beg), that it was exactly how we wanted it.

I don’t remember now though, whether we got it in the end.

I miss the craft, not the pay check

1. Does attempting to write, count as ‘I’m still trying to write.?”

2. It’s easier now to simply take a photo to remember something by: the way the autumn sun feels and looks different. How your $500 sneakers matches your $300 pants. How standing in your backyard putting your laundry on the line feels like being back in Pangasinan.

3. Since 2012, I’ve taken over 45,000 images and wrote ZERO stories.

4. In my teens, I submitted short-stories for a women’s magazine (MOD) and was paid P500 per story. I wrote the story long-hand and had my dad’s secretary type it out.

5. I wanted to take up BS Psychology at UP Diliman because I thought I wanted to be a doctor. It was my dad who actually asked me to change it to English as a preparatory degree for law. I didn’t become either.

6. Nearly everyone in my high school batch took up nursing, which I thought was appropriate for dull people with no talent.

7. I switched majors in my sophomore year (Creative Writing), got accepted to the Philippine Collegian (and wrote racy, ambiguous fiction) and earned my drinking/SM Mall money proofreading on the side for a UP publishing house.

8. Worked in advertising out of uni and I fucking hated it. Ad people were egomaniacal, ugly narcissists. It reinforced my belief that if you did something just for the money, things wouldn’t end well. Never again.

9. Went back to Pangasinan to work for the local office of a national newspaper chain and managed to convince management to allow me to put out a weekend magazine that folded soon after launch. Realised that I was a maniacal, actually attractive narcissist.

10. Spent the next 10 years writing fiesta greetings for all 44 Pangasinan municipalities and wondering if perhaps, I should’ve taken up nursing instead. But in hindsight, I would have failed spectacularly at a job that required great people skills and a personality that is anything but dull.

11. Moved to New Zealand and ditched the writing. I realised that I had to choose between doing something that I was comfortable with or doing something that expanded that further and paid a bit more.

12. My niece and her fiance just bought a house in one of the most expensive (and overpriced) housing markets in the world. She’s barely 25, and she’s a nurse. Yes, I definitely should have taken up nursing.

ooff

I get nervous all the time like the next person, but I usually get over it once I make a more accurate and logical assessment of the situation. I’ve never had anxiety but I’m starting to believe that the more you think about it, the more you repeat it, and the more you hear about it from people around you, the more real it becomes until you become, well, fucking anxious.

The whole three months of the year was a build-up to stuff at work that I thought was going to be epically challenging. Well, it wasn’t. It was epic for sure (AI! Marketing Automation! Generative Video!), but hardly challenging. You ride it like you would a good wave and at the back of your mind, you knew that you were going to do well- and so what’s next?

A co-worker is leaving today after nearly 14 years. We started in the same year and have been inseparable in a way that can only be described as meant to be. We were the A-team. We accomplished a shit-load of stuff, most of which we did from scratch. We were looking at a couple more high-octane times. So when they say without any warning that they’re leaving, the impact of it for me anyway, is like being shot by a bullet. But you’re still moving very fast so you can’t feel the pain. Not yet - and so what’s next?

These days

1. Dieting is back in the house but we vowed not to let that destabilise a healthy routine; you’re not settling into bed to binge on some stupid show just because you don’t have enough calories to go on a run. So we’ve been going to libraries and getting books to read in lieu of another season of Married At First Sight Australia, and Auckland has some of the best libraries that I’ve seen anywhere. There’s nothing more mentally cleansing than another volume of Alice Munro + a Starbucks cold brew.

2. Praying for Pope Francis. Why the fuck would God take the good people and leave us with the cunts?

3. Booked tickets for the Philippines for the holidays because it’s never too early to prepare for these things mentally.

4. Still need a non-family purpose trip, so scratch LA because it burned down, plus nobody I know really wants to step into American soil for fear of being contaminated (you know what I mean), so that leaves Japan or Tahiti.

5. It’s the Oscars today and I’m on Team Demi.

Wish you were here...

Wonderland

In Auckland city alone, there are over 4,000 parks and reserves, covering almost 11% of the land area. There are no snakes, poisonous plants, pesky insects, scary predators or weird people with bad intentions.

If you feel like reconnecting with nature or simply decompressing, you don’t need to drive far; there’s always a patch of green somewhere.

Epiphany

Over dinner at the second reincarnation of this chicken place in Pukekohe, B asked us the all important post-Christmas question of, ‘when will you take down your Christmas tree?’. I joked that we would still have it standing on the 17th of January so that we would have the pleasure of having M retrieve her birthday gift from under it.

M grinned, making a face and while we all laughed, deep inside, I was still baffled that a woman who has perfected thoughtful, tasteful and financially appropriate gift-giving could forego NOT putting up a tree in her flat. But that’s a boundary we didn’t want to cross; it’s her space and she had all the right in the world to do anything she wanted to do in it including NOT putting up Christmas decorations. It rankled, but I had to respect it.

The answer was that we didn't have a date, or rather, we left it to when we got around to doing a major start of the year clean-up which could be anytime up to the 1st week of February. It wasn’t really a big deal and besides, we liked having the twinkling lights.

‘Tradition states that you could have it up until the Epiphany- 12 days after Christmas- and if you don't, it would be bad luck.” B declares after having looked it up on Google.

Well then, nothing like the Asian in me to be immediately convinced at the mention of two words: ‘bad luck.’

We ended up removing all the Christmas decorations on the 1st of January.

(NOT) New Year resolutions

I just realised today that I may have confused tasks I need to do (and can actually do), with New Year resolutions (which you’re not obliged to do).

So here’s my (initial) list:

1. Have a proper pedicure

2. Go to an actual dermatologist

3. Finish culling your clothes

4. Go to the gym during the working week

5. Study stuff properly

6. Put financial savings into aggressive mode

7. EAT more vegetables

8. Bake PROPER stuff

9. Better food planning

10. Better time planning

5 days before Christmas

The bathroom was finally done, along with a million touch-ups for the laundry area and the toilet. The man from the vanity place took one look at the stain on the quartz top and declared gravely that if it ‘looks like a thumbprint, then it most likely is a thumbprint’.

I was bracing myself for a 2-3 week wait for another custom-cut replacement if it wasn’t.

So that’s done.

Final round of work meetings with everyone making the usual small-talk and the big question of ‘what are you doing this Christmas’? I was tempted to do an animated spiel of all the quirky, non-traditional things we had planned to do, but I was actually exhausted this week so I simply said, ‘just spending it at home’, which was essentially true.

You can do a lot at home.

I’ve always fantasised about spending Christmas elsewhere, but I must say that the allure of spending it with people you actually love and care about has a stronger pull, though if I was paid to spend it in New York, I probably would!

Anyways, took Friday off to get things ready like clean the house, clear out the fridge and just generally relax as I’m still working on the 23rd and half the day on the 24th.

Partayyyy

Hard to believe that I literally go to only two scheduled social-affairs a year, and now that B&E have moved on from hosting their epic New Year soirees, there’s only one left- our work-do.

That’s nearly 14 of some of the most memorable get-togethers with people you see five days of the week.

We’ve done everything from simple barbecues (at a colleagues spacious home), to hotels, historic venues and even a boat (actually missed one). And I look forward to it because it’s the only time I get to drink alcohol (prior to New Year’s) which in hindsight, has probably saved my life. Before leaving the Philippines permanently, I was literally drinking every other day. It was fun but it couldn’t have been healthy.

And I make an effort, because why not? I buy an entirely new outfit (like literally even the shoes shown on the lookbook) which is also my outfit for Christmas dinner. I get to either have a puff of someone’s cigarette or better still, get an entire cigarette all to myself (thanks D!). I miss smoking, but I’ll be damned if I ever go back to the habit.

And I get to finally see who my co-workers really are are outside of work which can be very entertaining (!).

The answer is YES

I don’t have a lot of friends, and I’m glad that within this small circle, WE ALL SHARE the same political values.

At this point, would you really care about ethics, when the line in the sand has never been drawn more clearly or more deeply?

DITCH THEM, GHOST THEM if you haven’t already; life is too short to waste on total cunts.

Wedded bliss

Congratulations B & E.

When you're ready but life (or other people) aren't

I’ve purchased the towels. I’ve decided on and bought the shelving. Waited for and got great deals from Black Friday promotions for bath mats, runners, decor (vase, fake coral, real calla lily leaves from the garden in the photo) and even several month’s supply of toiletries (Sans Ceuticals and Aesop) so you know, it would look good on the shelves.

I already knew how the bathroom was going to look and more importantly, what looked good in it even before the renovation started.

But for something so tiny, it’s far from done. I mean, the issues aren’t really dramatic- visible gaps in the door and window framing, the problematic walk-in shower, a factory stain on the custom-sized quartz vanity top, unfinished electricals - but it’s just baffling how something so straightforward (yes it is because I finally paid attention during the renovation process) can stretch out longe that it should just because some people actually don’t do their job well.

And that’s the fucking truth.

the tree is up

We’ve had several memorable Christmas trees growing up.

The earliest one I could remember - and I could be wrong because my memory is so bad- was a shrub in a pot and there were Christmas balls hung on the stems.

Then my mother went through her crafty phase. She had the idea of filling a chicken coop/fencing wire thingy shaped into a cone, with shiny green cellophane cut and pinched to resemble ‘leaves’. The cone ended up being so big that for some reason, we only filled the part that was visible; a trick I still use to this day, because why waste ornaments on a side nobody sees??

Then we had the infamous soap-sud tree! We used the branches of this tree that grows beside the river called pakar. We wanted something that came out of a winter’s day when the whole world was covered in snow. To achieve the snow-effect, we dissolved packets of laundry powder detergent in as little water as possible, and whipped it up to create dense suds that resembled meringue.

These were draped onto the branches to create the illusion of fallen snow. I can’t remember now how it lasted, but as we grew older and conventional, store-bought trees came to the shops, you realise how more fun it was to create something out of nothing with your family.

Unfortunately, while I’m creative at other things, crafty DIY stuff seems to be impervious to my enthusiastic attempts. So I’ve given up and have resigned to the fact that when it comes to Christmas trees, the safest route for me was to do a conventional one with conventional materials.

This year, we’ve decided on a gold and white theme and New Zealand being the small country that it is, didn’t have what I was looking for but thank God fo Amazon.

This Monday

Monday was great, because I guess it started off differently.

Sam had to drop the car off for servicing at around 7 a.m., so I tagged along. We had bagels and coffee at a totally empty Krispy Kreme store just around the corner, and it was one of those mornings when everything was just right. I never really took a shine to bagels, but the KK house-baked one had a nice crisp exterior with a pillowy soft centre. The avocado was fresh, and the coffee was nice and strong. Traffic was light and the sun was out against an utterly cloudless blue sky.

What could go wrong? Well, nothing really. Or if to does, who gives a fuck right? It’s not personal.

You just do your very best to solve it, get on top of it, put it away.

Smashed it

I believe I may have written about smashed burgers a couple of times and that:

1. It’s the only way to make home-made burgers for me

2. That I may never again order fancy burgers when we eat out with the exception of McDonald’s.

3. The only bun to serve it on is brioche (this is non-negotiable).

But I’m writing about it again because I’ve managed to make it in less than twenty minutes (including prep time) with the least mess possible. I guess, familiarity creates a perfect system.

The trick is, to start cooking your beef the moment you press the on-button on your air-fryer for your fries.

It takes about 15 minutes for the fries to cook and in that space of time, you smash/fry your patties on the skillet; put the cheese slices on top; and then onto the oven at 180 to finish cooking, and then a resting period as the fries finish cooking.

I always weigh my beef, and a 60+ gram patty within this time frame ends up being medium-rare which is how I like my beef.

The small bun can be misleading; I’ve attempted to eat two and it ended being two much.

Only brioche

Don't eyeball it, weight it!

A good sear + seasoning

Love thin fries

Seasoned with chicken salt

Toast your patties with butter

double-cheeseburger deluxe

Sunday

Who lines up for two hours for Cinnabon??

While I must admit that we purposely went to Westfield Newmarket to see if we could score a box (amongst other chores), we certainly didn’t want to waste two hours, or even an hour, lining up for pastry. Sorry, but it’s just stupid.

I think David Jones is underrated. Some good- pricey but quality- stuff there like George Jensen homeware, Yves Delorme towels (on sale too), and Aquazzura Casa serving-ware. But we were looking for patent-leather shoes for Emma and Ben’s wedding, and we did find ones that were just under $200 (you wear them only once or twice anyway).

Christmas decorations were also on sale and we got a new wreath to replace the one we’ve been using for years (setting up the tree next weekend).

The shirt I was looking for at I Love Ugly no longer had my size, so time to rethink (again) about what to wear for the coming month’s various social engagements (there’s just two anyway lol).

Still mulling over Christmas presents as well (saw a cute holster type thingy for a 40 oz Stanley cup), but the crowd was starting to grow so after lunch at Selera (noodles and Hainan chicken), we called it a day.

It's sad when...

1. You want to do art, but SnapChat filters and AI make it so much easier

2. You make Filipino-style spaghetti and everyone hates it

3. The temperature goes up a searing 20 degrees celsius

4. A Cinnabon branch opens in New Zealand and you think it’s the second coming of Christ

5. You didn’t eat rice for three weeks and you lost ZERO kilos

6. You were so sure of winning the lottery ($8m) but only ended up getting $26

7. You thought you were going to be really sad and upset but then all you felt was MEH

8. You can’t find the new Salem’s Lot movie from HBO Max on any of the streaming platforms

9. You’ve postponed reading all the new Kindle books you’ve bought until you get the new Ipad Mini that you’re being gifted with this Christmas

10. You have to choose between a longer holiday in the Philippines next year or a shorter one so you could go to Austria, Slovenia, Croatia and Italy in the fall