Spending the next weekend in Melbourne just gallivanting and our to-do list is basically populated with eating places; anything-mochi, Pinoy-fusion (very expensive though), mutant croissants preferably haemorrhaging pistachio cream, what else? Also meeting up with a college friend to try some oysters. We’ve made a vow to eat simply in the next four days.
I should stop baking on impulse. Baking should be thoughtful and intentional, calming and serene. The social media accounts that I look at from time to time are all shot at 120fps with a colour grading that implies endlessly languid summer days spent creating moist, airy confections in large, artisanal kitchens bathed in sunlight. The marble countertop gleams and the KitchenAid mixer whirs silently. Well, our kitchen is shit, so when I bake, I always tend to try to get it done as quickly as I can. I had a brownie pre-mix in the pantry and thought that finally doing a cheesecake brownie would be easier with half the recipe coming out of a box. And it was, but the results were mixed; the flavour could be better. The cheesecake was kind of bland like it needed a bit more sugar (I used half of what the recipe called for), or some topping.
It was so windy on Sunday that when I left the backdoor open, the wind just slammed it shut and while this has happened heaps of times with no incident, this time, the bottom panel shattered. I was immediately gripped with a specific kind of anxiety, unique to living in New Zealand; the inability to do home repairs myself, and the cost of hiring someone to do it. But then I remembered- we have home insurance, hooray! When we had it sorted through insurance within four hours on a Sunday, I thought that it was better than Christmas morning.
Baby-back St. Louis pork ribs for dinner because why not? I just put on a good rub on mine because I hate the sugary, one-note bbq sludge that restaurants put on their ribs.
Notes on food: Life is like adobo
Life is like adobo:
1. You can have it in two ways (white or dark) and both are equally good.
2. It’s so simple and uncomplicated to make, that it’s stupid
3. The worst thing you could do, is over-complicate it
4. Feel free to improvise; it wouldn’t change it.
5. It won’t be to everyone’s liking, but what it’s important is that you like your version.
Sorry, but New Zealand just doesn’t do great cakes
The photo above is a cheesecake with a sliver of mochi at the bottom. It’s woefully small- my butt cheek is bigger and more substantial (now that I’m doing squats a lot). And it costs $45 per half or $110 (with delivery) for half an Ube and half a Biscoff. It’s great, don’t get me wrong, but not $110 great. Maybe, I wouldn’t have minded the price had it not arrived through the wringer of a courier debacle, because how many times have we been in a situation where we let go of a substantial sum, but didn’t mind the expense, because we got what we wanted right there and there?
But I had to wait nearly a whole week for this one and in that time, the expectation grew and grew in my head until the courier dropped off a teeny-tiny box and I thought, is this it??
I’ve certainly had a run of disappointing cakes this year, all bought with the expectation, that at a specific price point, then it must be really good. When we were in the Philippines in June, I made a mental note to try and get something (silvanas, sans sival from Goldilocks or Red Ribbon), but never got the chance. We had some cakes though for my mum’s birthday, and they were unquestionably great. Not a single thing to criticize about them. And they cost the equivalent of NZ$16.
But I’ve set out a challenge for myself - I will try and make my own mochi+cheesecake.
Eggs, eggs, eggs
There’s nothing to eat in the house by way of snacks or nibbles. Crisps are only for Fridays or Saturdays. Bread is a treat. Biscuits are foreign. But we always have a tray of eggs. I cook three in a small frypan, putting in a little bit of water and putting a lid on top so that the steam cooks the yolks. A dab of butter, and onto a plate, dressed with chili oil and bagel seasoning.
It tides me over until dinner.
pre-Spring plant shopping
Plants are expensive. I wouldn’t balk at paying $300 for a pair of shoes, but to spend the same amount for a 1-metre high palm? Mmmmm. But with a couple of indoor plants certainly adding some organic, aesthetic adornment to the house, we always look forward to adding a couple more, but certainly not one that costs $300. Though if money was no object, I would fork out that much more for the appealing larger size of the plant rather than the rarity of it.
We wanted to put a plant out the newly rebuilt deck so off we went to perhaps, the best garden place in Auckland for great prices and sheer variety of choices, Roger’s Garden Centre in Mangere.
The whole set-up is outdoors- so wear footwear that can slosh through sometimes wet and muddy paths- with plants arranged by type and variety. There is a charming pavilion which houses indoor plants. In summer, it becomes a maze of luscious green vegetation and people pushing the familiar flamingo-pink wheelbarrows. In winter, it is still pretty like Sleeping Beauty’s garden, bewitched to sleep and stasis. Towards the back, a veritable forest of stick trees- peaches, apples and cherries- all bereft of leaves, seem to be waiting for that magical touch that would bring them back to life.
You always find something else other than the one you intended to buy, and for us, it was a couple of flowering shrubs that will be going to the front garden that M has been working on. And for me, I found a variegated miniature ficus; a steal (for its size) at $39.
Hello inflation
People on some New Zealand Reddit boards have been posting photos of their weekly or daily groceries but I’ve been hesitant to post mine; but here it is anyway. Bear in mind that this is for two people (M does her own thing) who have no kids.
These purchases totalling just over $140 are just for the weekend (two main meals) with some of the staples like the low-carb bread (a treat), butter, eggs, yogurt and banana extending for the work week ahead. The bacon (another treat) at 1kg, is good for three meals. I’ve been weaning myself off caffeine (not that I feel any different) so bought a small jar of decaffeinated instant coffee.
The breakdown as follows:
- Crisps and dips are for Friday night snacks
- Fried chicken with brioche sliders and a buffalo ranch salad for Saturday dinner
- The whole dressed chicken for Sunday roast
- Sardines for my Sunday post-workout meal (didn’t realise there was so much fish in a single can).
Easing back into it
What is the sum of all my fears?
Vaguely afraid of the heat. An all-enveloping one that sticks to you like how you’d feel cling film would. And you keep asking, when did it get this bad? Would you really get used to it? Is it just something in the mind, and that the mind can override it? On the fourth day, I gave up and retreated to one of the rooms to read and turned the air-conditioning on. I didn’t get to use half the usual facial stuff I normally put on my mug daily, and gave up wearing underwear altogether.
Authority/the Powers-that-be. I’d like to believe that our family name still has some value and that it’s a currency you can use when needed. But I hope that we won’t need to, not anymore anyway since we’re now citizens of another country. Or let my mother use it for herself instead to navigate an even more complex, even more sinister system running on favours, contacts and kickbacks.
Violence. I studied college in Manila and spent some time working there, but I can’t say exactly that I know it, not when the places I inhabited and moved around were places of privilege. Stepping out into a place like Cubao or Pasay is still jarring. You wish you were chameleon-like, to blend into the scenery, to look a little rough at the edges, your skin duller, your body language slightly less assured and more defeated. But have never succeeded in fooling the dodgy taxi drivers at the airport that I was an OFW, or those roving opportunists when my father was running for re-election that I was no one but the household help. Maybe it’s all in my imagination. Maybe it’s all mostly random. But I never linger, the share-ride mere minutes away to whisk me off to a ‘safer’ place, all my cash (in the mid-5 digits) stuffed in my tight pants pockets where I feel it’s safer. But in Pangasinan, I relax a little bit. I take the jeep around Dagupan which is forever fixing itself but never really succeeding. I take a tricycle home and take some perverse pleasure at all the gawking, of people trying to recognise me - look at that guy, he looks different.
24 or so hours in China
The plane circled around Guangzhou for over an hour. There was a weather event the pilot said and looking out, the sky though was clear and the city below sparkled. But who knows- the weather everywhere has been strange. Then there was another announcement; the plane was being asked to fly and land in another airport an hour or so away.
So by the time we headed back, it was well past 3am and our connecting flight was canceled. When the airport staff started talking in barely incomprehensible English, my stomach lurched. You sort of realise that language universality is arbitrary; they can choose to not learn English fluently.
It felt like one of those disaster movies where people who were minding their business on the plane and keeping to themselves, suddenly start reaching out to one another. Earlier, when the plane was doing loops above Guangzhou, my seatmate who was a Filpino dairy farm hand working in Hastings started talking to me and we were hopeful, expecting it even, that no matter what happened, we were flying home to New Zealand. But it was not meant to be.
And in the chaos and babble of sleep-deprived passengers and mask-wearing airport staff, it was every man to himself. Or maybe that was just me. Growing up, I wasn’t reliant on anyone. I had to figure things out by myself whether I did a good job or not. I had to sort my shit first especially when to my shock, I was handed a boarding pass that indicated my flight to be nearly 24 hours away. The only thing I understood from the airport staff was ‘transit visa’ and ‘hotel’.
The other Filipinos were families and the Caucasians stuck together which didn’t help much as they thought that Googling the situation was better than trying to make sense of what the staff were saying. The Pinoy dairy farm hand vanished.
I managed to get the transit visa (how the officer understood my handwriting I would never know); then went through immigration where inexplicably, most of the Caucasians failed to even fill up the declaration card before getting into the queue and were asked to step out and do it first. Then I got through and it was finding the airline counter next so that they could give me accommodation.
The Filipino groups were seemingly wandering around and my first thought was that, well you do your own thing and I’ll do mine. I have never been a team person. My focus was getting out of the airport so I walked past them and left them to it. I thought briefly about my luggage and I assumed that since I was already given a boarding pass, my luggage would be delivered to that plane. If not, well, fuck it, there’s insurance.
I had my backpack which had my meds, my toiletries, and my electronics. Unfortunately, the only clothes I had were the clothes I wore for the flight, but there was nothing I could do about that.
I realised when I went through customs that we weren’t the only flight canceled. There was a queue several meters long to the China Southern counter. At this point, my hoodie was hot and my eyes were watering from being up so late. I went straight through to the counter and no one was paying attention; everyone was on their phone.
The staff were besieged by angry passengers; one even reached out to try and grab one of the staff’s keyboards. I felt sort of nauseous at the thought that this was hell, and that the worst fate of all, was being trapped in a situation not of your own making where you don’t understand the context of what was happening and where you can’t speak out.
But I knew what I wanted though - I wanted a bed. I wanted to wash my face. I didn’t want to sleep in the airport. I didn’t want to wash my armpits in a public sink. I didn’t want to amuse myself wandering into duty-free stores daydreaming of stuff I couldn’t afford.
I also was able to speak out - in the best American English I could muster 😂 - and the staff was more than happy to assist someone not screaming into her face in Mandarin or Cantonese or whatever.
In 15 minutes, I was on my way in a shuttle to the Marriott.
The barrio life
The barrio life is too 🥵.
Eight o’clock in the morning feels like high noon; like summer on the Australian Gold Coast (which is why I only cross the ditch in winter). The climate has changed, my brother says.
Who has the energy to cook three meals? But they do and I’m glad for once, not to be the cook and two, to sit down for another meal.
A shower doesn’t help, especially when your skin is used to at least three layers of creams. I just settle for a facial sunscreen, and being topless for most of the day, use the same cream for my neck, arms, hands and feet. The humidity clings to you like a needy lover and half the time, I flee from it and seek refuge in an air-conditioned room. What was once a luxury, is now a necessity; taking the Skyway in Manila, ugly and dilapidated shanties sport rows of condenser units.
If there’s nothing to do, there’s the pool, but even that sticks out in your mind like a red flag. We didn’t grow up with AC and swimming pools, or heat that has arrived like a guest that has stayed on permanently in your home.
You just make the best of it or in my case, sad as it makes me, bear with it for a bit longer before going back to my own home.
Words with friends
Maintenance
HMO
Retirement car
Retirement
lipid profile
Generation Z
Consistency
Unapologetic
Diplomatic
China
Much love to this one and happiest of birthdays
Happy birthday mommy
We were shocked and laughed at the decor (hope they weren’t offended) but then realised, this is the Philippines in 2024 and the road to the Lingayen venue had changed drastically in the last seven years we were here last. The speeches were long and florid, the display of affection genuine and the sudden dance turns on the floor both bizarre and impressive (for people in their 70s who complain of a million and one ailments). But in the end, what mattered most was seeing people again who continue to hold a soft spot in your heart and memory.
Goals
Not to be toxic
Which is like thinking that all our efforts to mitigate impending climate change disasters can actually work. It’s sort of too late and we’re too far gone. Everything and everyone is toxic. But have hopped off that bandwagon after realising that I wasn’t getting anything tangible out of it. Pay me $5 dollars- no, let me negotiate that to $20 - and I’ll probably do it. Maybe.
Time is money AND a commodity
I’ve started Ubering all the time when I saw that my hourly rate was over $70 (before taxes). I can’t be sitting at a bus stop waiting for the next one in 30 minutes because it’s simply a waste of my time, I reasoned. I’m too good to wait. And now, Uber rides have gone up like 25% and I’m thinking, I could have used that added fare for an extra bottle of Emma Lewisham Supernatural Face Elixir. So I’ve started bussing again and simply readjusted what I normally do like prepping meals the night before so that when I got home, I could start on the meal at an even earlier time. And today, I managed to take public transport, finish a gym workout in 30 minutes, dropped by the supermarket for some stuff and got the same bus back, all in under an hour (we have a 30-minute lunch-break and morning tea and I just worked through those). Save me nearly $30 had I taken Uber.
Be healthier
have to admit that I’m slightly better with my health than my finances. However, I don’t want to be super aggressive about it and end up as a cautionary tale. I secretly revel in the fact that all my medical stats are good. But during my recent check-up and blood work, I got a younger doctor who thinks that my stats are rubbish. He straightforwardly told me to my face that I had the worst of luck because genes determine 75% of me, and that, it seems, there’s nothing I can do about it—except medicate, that is.
“Maybe it’s my coffee drinking,” I told him.
“How many coffees do you have in a day?” he asked.
“Eight to ten espressos.”
“Is that a lot,” he asked, “compared to a latte?”
I blinked. Mmmmmm.
There’s an earnestness there that’s missing from my regular GP, who I think is in her seventies.
“I think we can get this under control,” he said.
“What’s our timeline?” I asked.
“A fortnight- and if we don’t, we’ll find another strategy,” he said cheerfully. He has thin, ascetic features and wears rimless glasses. It’s the comforting, generic face of a doctor who believes that nothing is impossible in medicine.
I have my doubts, but if you’re receiving subsidized health care, your job isn’t to doubt it.
“Let’s do it then,” I said, smiling back.
Comforts
After working over the weekend at one of our shows, I spent a few days at Doyet’s. We had plans, but a drizzle that fell late Sunday and actually drenched most of the country stayed put and so did we. There’s nothing more intrinsically sad and lethargic than bright autumn trees drooping and sodden with rain.
I had the small heater on the whole day in the spare bedroom. I worked remotely in the morning and went to the gym in the afternoon. I had coffee on-tap. I took long, sweet dreamless naps. I ate Doyet’s food which always perfectly aligns to my memory of how they’re cooked back home in the Philippines. I couldn’t have gotten a better vacation no matter how brief, or basic.
Just the three Fs- food, family and fitness.
state of things
Aurora
the week that you left
the skies celebrated;
a glorious, vulgar display of colour and light.
You would have shrugged your shoulders
ignored it for Temptation Island
and a bit of burrata on toast.
Or you could have dragged
someone out to the ocean
where you can revel in the celestial show,
washed down with a bottle or three of Tui.
But from where I’m standing
in the darkness of our deck
vainly squinting at the horizon,
I don’t see anything.
I don’t see you,
didn’t really know you.
All I see is blackness.
All I see is nothing,
and the vast empty night sky.
Today
A full head of hair is over-rated
A good friend is hard to find
Bacon can kill you
Stick to the truth no matter what
The past is pointless if all you do is look back and remember
Moderation is under-rated
Imagination is king
Kindness should be your baseline behaviour
Loving is so EASY
Hating is so HARD
Hating is not worth your time and energy
When it’s time to let go of something, you’ll know
I need to eat more
The last couple of months since going back to the gym, I’ve been feeling hungrier than usual. I had a couple of moments when I felt that condition that Filipinos call ‘nalipasan ng gutom’- you’ve eaten (like your first solid meal of the day at 5pm) but the weakness lingers.
So I did a food diary which I had intended to do for at least a month. I stopped after over a week because every-day (except weekends and special holidays) looked exactly like this:
Morning
Coffee (two espressos with almond milk, artificial sweetener)
An espresso around 10am topped up with water, no sugar + a cookie or two from the office kitchen pantry
Afternoon
Packed lunch (usually a protein and rice)
Watered down espresso after lunch and around 3pm
Evening
Pre-workout drink
Protein and a cup of rice after work-out
Espresso!
A protein shake if I remember it
So yeah, I need to eat a bit more!
Dream 1
It’s always this dream and variations of it; I’m somewhere which in my dreams is an amalgamation of all the places I’ve been in my life, and I’m trying to get home but I can’t. I get delayed by something or someone. Something doesn't work. I walk and I get lost. I take a car and it doesn’t move. But it’s never clear to me really where home is. In a variation of the dream, I am home (in the Philippines), but I’m still trying to leave, to flee.
And the dream never resolves itself. I wake up and it’s small comfort at least in that moment when you’re half-awake, that you’re in your bed, in the place that feels and smells like home.
What to do
Today, I didn’t bring my work home. Or rather, I forgot the external drive where I usually put all my content work in. Putting stuff that I’m currently doing on the drive allows me to work anywhere where I can obviously plug it in.
But today, I forgot to bring it home and I saunter into the house as if I was seeing and smelling it for the 1st time. I do take a sniff - it’s a small house with a kitchen upstairs and I never cook anything on a regular rotation that would allow the smell to stick around. So I don’t cook fish (too expensive anyway), and we always do Indian and Chinese to-go (what you make at home doesn’t taste the same). I’ve ridden in enough Uber Camrys smelling permanently of Chicken Tikka Masala, and been inside cozy $1.2m Auckland apartments reeking of cabbage and onions to realise, that unpleasant food smells are more offensive than clutter or tacky decor.
Today, there isn’t any discernible smell, not even from the butter-laden shortbread that I made last night on an impulse. But I did see the clutter in the spare bedroom that we -or rather I - converted into a ‘laundry room’ where freshly-laundered clothes are dumped into the bed for sorting, or for ironing later. I’ve started to sort out my sock and underwear drawer; all the ‘small’ sized Calvins are going, and no, I didn’t get fat. I had started doing steep, inclined treadmill runs the last couple of months, and suddenly, I could feel the pinching tightness of the fabric against my groin and my testicles. So now they’re on a pile on the bedroom floor and I’m thinking, what happens to old underwear? Should I take a photo of my buff hamstrings?
I find Lily on the bed and she automatically goes into begging mode. I realise that it’s actually past 5pm which is her feeding time. I feed her half a packet of her prescription food (she has a delicate tummy) and a packet of broth, which is $1.50 for about two tablespoons of a gelatinous liquid and a smidgen of meat or fish. She eats for about five minutes, walks away, and goes up to her tower in a manner that is meant to attract my attention and means, where’s my after-dinner treat? This is what she does every day. This is her routine.
I give her two of the Temptations and then I make myself a double espresso. I get a piece of the shortbread and settle myself down on my desk and wake up the Mac. I open Outlook to check on my emails. This is my routine.
Well, not doing this today. I put the Mac to sleep and now I’m completely and utterly at loss at what to do…
When am I NOT busy?
Sorry, I’ve tried, but I think I’d rather do sex work than do physical labour.
We look at the world, and it spurs a strange kind of busyness; but we’re merely reacting thinking we’re doing something productive or substantial. We’re not.
An acquaintance has been messaging me without fail (on WhatsApp) and all I could say were variations of, I’m busy. I’m being truthful though. I’ve been tempted to make something up just to be different, but the messages stopped and it’s been two years.
And stupid me - I WAS TOO BUSY to realise that maybe it was my turn to message back.
Looking forward to April for a bit of a slight break.