A full head of hair is over-rated
A good friend is hard to find
Bacon can kill you
Stick to the truth no matter what
The past is pointless if all you do is look back and remember
Moderation is under-rated
Imagination is king
Kindness should be your baseline behaviour
Loving is so EASY
Hating is so HARD
Hating is not worth your time and energy
When it’s time to let go of something, you’ll know
I need to eat more
The last couple of months since going back to the gym, I’ve been feeling hungrier than usual. I had a couple of moments when I felt that condition that Filipinos call ‘nalipasan ng gutom’- you’ve eaten (like your first solid meal of the day at 5pm) but the weakness lingers.
So I did a food diary which I had intended to do for at least a month. I stopped after over a week because every-day (except weekends and special holidays) looked exactly like this:
Morning
Coffee (two espressos with almond milk, artificial sweetener)
An espresso around 10am topped up with water, no sugar + a cookie or two from the office kitchen pantry
Afternoon
Packed lunch (usually a protein and rice)
Watered down espresso after lunch and around 3pm
Evening
Pre-workout drink
Protein and a cup of rice after work-out
Espresso!
A protein shake if I remember it
So yeah, I need to eat a bit more!
Dream 1
It’s always this dream and variations of it; I’m somewhere which in my dreams is an amalgamation of all the places I’ve been in my life, and I’m trying to get home but I can’t. I get delayed by something or someone. Something doesn't work. I walk and I get lost. I take a car and it doesn’t move. But it’s never clear to me really where home is. In a variation of the dream, I am home (in the Philippines), but I’m still trying to leave, to flee.
And the dream never resolves itself. I wake up and it’s small comfort at least in that moment when you’re half-awake, that you’re in your bed, in the place that feels and smells like home.
What to do
Today, I didn’t bring my work home. Or rather, I forgot the external drive where I usually put all my content work in. Putting stuff that I’m currently doing on the drive allows me to work anywhere where I can obviously plug it in.
But today, I forgot to bring it home and I saunter into the house as if I was seeing and smelling it for the 1st time. I do take a sniff - it’s a small house with a kitchen upstairs and I never cook anything on a regular rotation that would allow the smell to stick around. So I don’t cook fish (too expensive anyway), and we always do Indian and Chinese to-go (what you make at home doesn’t taste the same). I’ve ridden in enough Uber Camrys smelling permanently of Chicken Tikka Masala, and been inside cozy $1.2m Auckland apartments reeking of cabbage and onions to realise, that unpleasant food smells are more offensive than clutter or tacky decor.
Today, there isn’t any discernible smell, not even from the butter-laden shortbread that I made last night on an impulse. But I did see the clutter in the spare bedroom that we -or rather I - converted into a ‘laundry room’ where freshly-laundered clothes are dumped into the bed for sorting, or for ironing later. I’ve started to sort out my sock and underwear drawer; all the ‘small’ sized Calvins are going, and no, I didn’t get fat. I had started doing steep, inclined treadmill runs the last couple of months, and suddenly, I could feel the pinching tightness of the fabric against my groin and my testicles. So now they’re on a pile on the bedroom floor and I’m thinking, what happens to old underwear? Should I take a photo of my buff hamstrings?
I find Lily on the bed and she automatically goes into begging mode. I realise that it’s actually past 5pm which is her feeding time. I feed her half a packet of her prescription food (she has a delicate tummy) and a packet of broth, which is $1.50 for about two tablespoons of a gelatinous liquid and a smidgen of meat or fish. She eats for about five minutes, walks away, and goes up to her tower in a manner that is meant to attract my attention and means, where’s my after-dinner treat? This is what she does every day. This is her routine.
I give her two of the Temptations and then I make myself a double espresso. I get a piece of the shortbread and settle myself down on my desk and wake up the Mac. I open Outlook to check on my emails. This is my routine.
Well, not doing this today. I put the Mac to sleep and now I’m completely and utterly at loss at what to do…
When am I NOT busy?
Sorry, I’ve tried, but I think I’d rather do sex work than do physical labour.
We look at the world, and it spurs a strange kind of busyness; but we’re merely reacting thinking we’re doing something productive or substantial. We’re not.
An acquaintance has been messaging me without fail (on WhatsApp) and all I could say were variations of, I’m busy. I’m being truthful though. I’ve been tempted to make something up just to be different, but the messages stopped and it’s been two years.
And stupid me - I WAS TOO BUSY to realise that maybe it was my turn to message back.
Looking forward to April for a bit of a slight break.
Currently Reading: Fires by Raymond Carver (Essays, Poems, Stories)
Every so often, I would come back to Raymond to reassure myself that even as I don’t even get a foothold into the fiction writing that I did when I was younger, I could still apply the creative rules that characterised his body of work - to life.
(on why his favourites were poems and short-stories) Get in, get out. Don’t linger. Go on.
A lot of writers have talent. But a unique and exact way of looking at things, and finding the right context for expressing that way of looking, that’s something else.
No (cheap) tricks or gimmicks.
A writer sometimes needs to be able to just stand and gape at this or that thing - a sunset or an old shoe - in absolute and simple amazement.
Work trip
The whole trip took a little over 7 hours. A flight to Christchurch, then a connecting flight to Hokitika and an hour and a half of driving through the interior of the West Coast.
And all the quiet landscapes; empty, brutally beautiful, remote.
I always picture myself driving through these (in a motorcycle of course which is the dream), or having a moment (wading, swimming in the shallows?) at some picturesque stream or river. But in that fantasy, I never stay, I always keep moving.
I’m never one to shy away from solitude, but there has to be something more alluring than quietude for me to consider staying just a little bit longer. But what would though, other than that feeling of wanting to be disconnected from a world, that is increasingly hurtling towards something dark? Can we truly disconnect? Can I really disconnect, me??
I think it’s an illusion to believe we can get away from it all, but after having spent the weekend in this little town, I think that you probably can - here in New Zealand anyway.
Tuesday's adobo
There was a time when I over-thought making adobo.
I seared the meat first; cooked the pork and chicken separately; added honey; added mirin; added sesame oil; put in two whole heads of garlic. I watched a lot of stupid YouTube videos that claimed they had the ultimate adobo recipe.
Again, you always reference your memories, of how your dad for example, made it. And the fact is, I never really watched him prepare it. How I thought he made it was most likely something my mom or my sister told me. So you go by taste, making it over and over until you do get it. But I realised that I probably won’t; that it’s like chasing a ghost.
So I’ve made my peace with it and have decided, that I will make it the way I like it.
So Tuesday’s Adobo, is Ryan’s adobo.
Ingredients
-Chicken pieces, drumsticks and breast with skin (about 700 grams total)
-A whole head of garlic
-peppercorns, fresh bay leaf
-butter about 50 grams
-half a cup vinegar
-half a cup Kikkoman soy sauce
-teaspoon of brown sugar
Method
Sear the chicken pieces until brown. Add vinegar, peppercorns and bay leaf and let simmer until it’s almost all evaporated. Add butter and garlic cloves, letting the chicken fry in it for a bit. Add soy sauce and cover. Let simmer in low temperature for about 30 minutes. Uncover and raise the temperature until the sauce thickens.
Detachment
At the gym, I’ve developed a habit of not putting my glasses on when I work out, and this is what the world looks like.
It’s funny to think that the last time I was at the gym, my eyesight was actually normal; and now I’ve discovered that the glasses get icky when you sweat, and it’s so much trouble wiping them off every so often.
So they stay inside my bumbag until I’m done and then I need them to do the NYTimes Connection game, which is enough time to cool down before heading home.
But this is not the only time that I deliberately choose to look at the world around me through blurred vision; I don’t use my glasses when cleaning the house, the kitchen or when I wake up at 5:15 am and stumble my way out of the bedroom to go upstairs for a cup of coffee.
It actually helps that during these moments, I don’t see things with clarity because the truth is, I don’t need to.
I don’t need to make eye contact at the gym, because I’m not there to make friends. I don’t need to see that we need to repaint the walls because that would mean doing it ourselves or paying someone $15k to do them, either of which we’re not prepared to do just yet. Same with the kitchen. And I don’t want to scroll through my phone so early in the morning to read about Palestine or another guilt trip that we’re not doing enough for climate change (sorry, it’s actually too late at this point).
What I ate (over the long weekend)
All Indian restaurants in Auckland seem to use the same recipe for their dishes which doesn’t really matter because 99% of the time, it’s good. It’s the kind of goodness that’s impossible to replicate. And don’t bother with pre-made mixes or sauces; they never come close to the real thing. And because the dishes seem identical wherever you buy them, I don’t quite remember where we get our favourite curries - mine is ALWAYS a lamb madras - except that it’s local. This is the one time I go all out on carbs - basmati rice and three garlic naan - because the sauce is so rich, that one serving (at less than $20 for the whole combo), lasts me THREE meals. People always joke about Filipinos eating a whole pot or rice with one cup of gravy and well it’s true. Very satisfying.
There’s a Malaysian restaurant that serves crispy chicken skin, but theirs is battered which in my mind, probably doubles up the fat content. Occasionally, I save the skin from my chicken and cook them in one go, but in the oven at a low temp until they’re completely rendered. I just season it with sea salt and pepper; dipping sauce is Pinakurat vinegar.
For Sam’s birthday dinner, we went to the most basic French restaurant there is Le Garde-Manger. But basic probably works because it has outlasted every other fancy French resto since opening in 2010. It probably defies trends, but the menu has changed very little; the same old classics are there with occasional specials written on the board. While not French, I ordered the fish special which was a perfectly cooked piece of snapper fillet. The accompanying side of ratatouille was so good, that I replicated it the next day. Just don’t make the mistake of having them make a cake (which turned out to be a tiny, dry forgettable chocolate cake) and order their desert crepes instead.
For Sam’s birthday cake, we decided to make Ina Garten’s (in)famous Mocha Icebox cake.
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Sunday
We finally took down the Christmas trees, took the mattress that Dylan slept on when he was here back to the garage, re-arranged the plants and cleaned up my desk. The holidays are officially over.
It’s too hot to work from home (we don’t have AC) even if the second floor has plenty of windows and two sliding doors that open to the deck- but what is 26 degrees compared to a summer’s day in Pangasinan or maybe Dubai??
And yet here I am, topless, sipping water every hour and feeling that heat lethargy where half of your brain feels like mush.
And yet I have fallen in love with summer, with sunshine. I read somewhere that a man needs vitamin D to boost testosterone; so maybe I had been feeling the ‘boost’. But I’m still wary of it. A decade ago, people I knew were laughing at my SPF 80 sunscreen but look who’s laughing now. The last three years, the sunscreening has expanded to include my neck and my hands.
They say there’s a hole in the ozone right over New Zealand, so even if a 31 degree day in the scheme of things isn’t really hot, we got it worse.
It’s a bitch to deep fry in the heat, but the easiest meat in the deep freeze to cook are boneless chicken thighs so fried-chicken it is. I have the recipe for ‘popcorn chicken’ down pat which is really all in the batter. I never used to have a measurement for it, hence, the inconsistency but now I do. The ratio of flour to tapioca starch (or cornstarch) should always be one to one with a teaspoon of baking powder. From there, I just make variations on the flavouring. I’ve always been partial to Chinese five-spice or plain salted- this is because I always eat it with rice and a buffalo-ranch style of coating doesn’t really suit.
We bought the viral KMart mini rice cooker and it’s perfect; I don’t eat any more than a cup of rice and it makes enough for dinner and for lunch the next day.
My Tita Lita and Tito Benny
Amelita Amor Agbayani: 1938 - 2024
One of my most enduring fantasies was to find myself back again in Fairview, at my aunt’s house.
In this fantasy, it is a cool day in June and the trees and plants are lush. It’s quiet even if we’re in the middle of a hectic urban sprawl. We sit in her garden and talk for hours and hours. I tell her everything and she just listens, every so often nodding or saying her piece.
We notice that it’s gotten dark and we go inside where we sit down to a dinner of dishes she’s made that I could neither forget nor replicate; buttery soft Bistek Tagalog, rich beef caldereta and pork binagoongan with an impossibly perfect ratio of meat to fat.
But sadly, regretfully, it will be just that - a fantasy.
I never did get to visit.
I have a million reasons (or excuses) and I think that she would tell me to my face, how wrong I was on all of them. She would say this in a tone that is just slightly reproachful and firm enough that it makes you think twice about answering back.
I’m actually referencing my dad here, but only because they were so alike. They loathed inaction and hated it even more when you attempted to defend your inaction.
Perhaps the true fantastical bit about this fantasy is being able to talk to them the way I picture it in my head. They were so stoic, so forbidding (the demeanour only softening when they sit down to a meal they’ve cooked for their family) that you often stayed out of sight, out of mind.
Would they have indulged me?
I’d like to think that she would, but I don’t know and I’ll never know.
Today
Finally and literally got to the root of the problem as to why our 6-year old calathea plant was feeling the blues; her soil was water-logged (what looked like clumpy clay was mixed in her soil mix) and her roots had started to rot.
So we spent the better part of the afternoon splitting her in two, repotting two other indoor plants that I got as gifts as well as an olive tree that I got for myself as a New Year gift.
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Dear Diary
Going through some of my stationery, I found an old Moleskine journal that was gifted to me (along with a Lamy pen) for Christmas 2019. The last entry was May of 2020- a time in which most of my entries were on this blog.
It wouldn’t hurt to resume using it.
Dear Diary,
1. I love the kids and I’m glad that when I don’t feel a 100% (just tired really and bloated from all the food the last couple of days), I can step away. As a parent, I probably can’t. I guess I would have to watch Aquaman all by myself now.
2. Some writer said, to make a resolution about something bigger than yourself. That the great wide world wouldn’t really care if you lose weight, or work out, or work harder, or quit drinking or smoking. The world may not care, but I do, so FUCK YOU.
3. How about asking the people and the entities who actually do have the power and the influence to fast-track things instead?? Ask Israel, Palestine, the Russians and the Ukrainians and the billionaires to sort things out and stop fucking the rest of us.
4. Ugh, now I need a drink (the only time I ever consume alcohol is over the holidays) but where to get mint?? I feel like doing a couple of mojitos.
5. A neighbour and co-worker dropped off some mint for me- bless you Angelique.
6. Suddenly, friends who’ve been actively messaging you all year are suddenly quiet when the holidays come.
7. Speaking of people you know, how brave are you to admit that if you never hear from some of them again, it really wouldn’t matter?
9. How many more stuff can you buy?? You can never have enough shoes, or clothes but at some point, you need to say, I should stop buying now.
10. Prosperity bowls are all the rage but they’re so complicated! I’d rather put the effort at work which should hopefully give me prosperity!
11. I’m superstitious about superstitions; what if it doesn’t work? Or worse, what if it brings you the opposite? I’ll just take my chances.
12. Or I’ll continue praying to God.
2024 resolutions
Why wait, when you can start now?
Don’t wait, just do it. For someone who has been wearing Nike for decades, I wasn’t really smart enough to believe that the slogan actually works.
Stick to what you’re really, really good at and perfect it.
Words have power; use them responsibly.
Words have consequences; be careful with them.
It’s okay to be selfish rather than come off as insincere.
Edit, edit, edit. You don’t need to buy that fourth tiny block of $40 cheese just because you saw it in a movie.
It sucks, but opt for dental care over YSL.
Read more, stream less.
Cook more but eat less.
Your creativity is boundless; just let go…
About last night
Most of my life has been really about living for the moment and not worrying (or planning) about tomorrow. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who have reminded me at crucial moments, that I needed to plan and get some important things done.
Citizenship wasn’t really one of them. There’s intrinsically not much difference between a permanent resident and a citizen, and as someone who sees travel as more of an obligation, I had the requisite valid visas anyway (the US, Australia) if I needed to travel.
But one day I just thought, fuck it.
So here we are.
Tuesday
I had a consult today with my GP.
The horror stories you normally hear about the health-care system in New Zealand isn’t about insurance (the NZ government pays for health-care services) or lawsuits, but about a lack of doctors and long waiting lists. So you try (and pray) your damn hardest not to get sick, and that if you did, knock on wood that it’s just the common cold.
I went for a different matter - I’m fine by the way - and I was surprised that there was an immediate opening. My current doctor is old, like senior citizen old, just like my previous GP who I think, got sick on the job and was now probably and definitely retired (I hope) and enjoying sunny Brighton (in England) where he’s originally from. But old doctors are the best. They have a relaxed and cheerful demeanour even when they’re desperately trying to find you a good systolic reading using a manual blood pressure monitor.
Jaqueline - my current GP - is a tall and statuesque lady who occasionally lapses into citing current studies that she’s read about, or diagramming on paper, the relationship between enzymes and bodily organs. She also patiently listens to my attempt at self-diagnoses and neither contradicts nor reproaches me (I wasn’t wrong anyway, just saying).
She saw me at 9:50 when our appointment was at 9:30 and we wrapped up at 10:45, but I didn’t complain; the whole session was worth the $50 it cost (in New Zealand, this is relatively very high).
For dinner, I thought, why not a salad? And no - it had nothing to do with my doctor’s appointment - I was still having flashbacks of that salad I had at Brewd Hawt, and the realisation that we have been doing our dressings wrong.
I didn't have iceberg lettuce - and it’s really the ideal type of lettuce for this - but use whatever you have because the point is, you need to eat those goddamned salad leaves before they go off. I had curly lettuce which I washed, dried and roughly chopped up. For the dressing, it was mayo, hot sauce, mustard and miso with some EVOO.
Drizzled that over the lettuce, did a generous sprinkling of that bagel seasoning and just because I was feeling extra, grated some parmigiana reggiano on top. YUM.
PS: my cholesterol levels were amazing the doctor said and the figure did make me gasp (a 2.2). To think that for the last 6 months, I’ve been eating butter as if it were cheese. See? There are some small miracles there…
Very important things I've only known recently
To avoid laundry lines across your $120US James Pearse shirts - or any shirt for that matter- you need to peg it as far on the sides of the shirt as you can.
When cooking adobo, don’t cover it when you’ve just put vinegar; you need to allow it to evaporate.
Same goes when using wine for such dishes as bourguignon.
Even supposedly good things like huge, fat heirloom tomatoes when eaten in excess, can be bad.
Same goes for ethical shrimp (very, very bad).
Simplify your Christmas menu; YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE who’s going to eat that $200, 15 gram tin of Caviar Beluga Pur sel
You can never, ever have enough shoes
You can sleep/nap for like 15 min and be refreshed.
Why?
1.Why are the leaves of my calathea curling up and dying?? (soil is not dry nor waterlogged, humidity is okay..)
2. Why do I always end up with so much waste and so many dishes to clean up after?
3. Why does the New Zealand still doesn’t have a formal government?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS VOTED FOR IDIOTS (Luxon, Peters and Seymour).
4. Why is Trump still relevant?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS STILL SUPPORT THE IDIOTS!
5. Why are Israel and Palestine fighting each other?? (I’m tired of caring).
6. Why do I feel that I’m still 32 (my best year)??.
Monday's list
Five weeks before Christmas! And I’m excited because it’s the only real break from work that I’ll get.
Gave myself a pre-Christmas present - a new (Kitchen Aid) mixer - and the challenge of baking my own favourite cakes (Black Forest, Sans Rival).
Ahhh, 2023 done; the year of personal injuries. We may not look it, but we are sadly falling apart.
Should finish that novel I started to the bitter end.
Should get a head-start on my 2024 New Year’s resolution list (when you’re older, you have to start earlier than everyone else).