Currently Reading: Fires by Raymond Carver (Essays, Poems, Stories)

Every so often, I would come back to Raymond to reassure myself that even as I don’t even get a foothold into the fiction writing that I did when I was younger, I could still apply the creative rules that characterised his body of work - to life.

1. (on why his favourites were poems and short-stories) Get in, get out. Don’t linger. Go on.

2. A lot of writers have talent. But a unique and exact way of looking at things, and finding the right context for expressing that way of looking, that’s something else.

3. No (cheap) tricks or gimmicks.

4. A writer sometimes needs to be able to just stand and gape at this or that thing - a sunset or an old shoe - in absolute and simple amazement.

Work trip

The whole trip took a little over 7 hours. A flight to Christchurch, then a connecting flight to Hokitika and an hour and a half of driving through the interior of the West Coast.

And all the quiet landscapes; empty, brutally beautiful, remote.

I always picture myself driving through these (in a motorcycle of course which is the dream), or having a moment (wading, swimming in the shallows?) at some picturesque stream or river. But in that fantasy, I never stay, I always keep moving.

I’m never one to shy away from solitude, but there has to be something more alluring than quietude for me to consider staying just a little bit longer. But what would though, other than that feeling of wanting to be disconnected from a world, that is increasingly hurtling towards something dark? Can we truly disconnect? Can I really disconnect, me??

I think it’s an illusion to believe we can get away from it all, but after having spent the weekend in this little town, I think that you probably can - here in New Zealand anyway.

Tuesday's adobo

There was a time when I over-thought making adobo.

I seared the meat first; cooked the pork and chicken separately; added honey; added mirin; added sesame oil; put in two whole heads of garlic. I watched a lot of stupid YouTube videos that claimed they had the ultimate adobo recipe.

Again, you always reference your memories, of how your dad for example, made it. And the fact is, I never really watched him prepare it. How I thought he made it was most likely something my mom or my sister told me. So you go by taste, making it over and over until you do get it. But I realised that I probably won’t; that it’s like chasing a ghost.

So I’ve made my peace with it and have decided, that I will make it the way I like it.

So Tuesday’s Adobo, is Ryan’s adobo.

Ingredients
-Chicken pieces, drumsticks and breast with skin (about 700 grams total)
-A whole head of garlic
-peppercorns, fresh bay leaf
-butter about 50 grams
-half a cup vinegar
-half a cup Kikkoman soy sauce
-teaspoon of brown sugar

Method
Sear the chicken pieces until brown. Add vinegar, peppercorns and bay leaf and let simmer until it’s almost all evaporated. Add butter and garlic cloves, letting the chicken fry in it for a bit. Add soy sauce and cover. Let simmer in low temperature for about 30 minutes. Uncover and raise the temperature until the sauce thickens.

Detachment

At the gym, I’ve developed a habit of not putting my glasses on when I work out, and this is what the world looks like.

It’s funny to think that the last time I was at the gym, my eyesight was actually normal; and now I’ve discovered that the glasses get icky when you sweat, and it’s so much trouble wiping them off every so often.

So they stay inside my bumbag until I’m done and then I need them to do the NYTimes Connection game, which is enough time to cool down before heading home.

But this is not the only time that I deliberately choose to look at the world around me through blurred vision; I don’t use my glasses when cleaning the house, the kitchen or when I wake up at 5:15 am and stumble my way out of the bedroom to go upstairs for a cup of coffee.

It actually helps that during these moments, I don’t see things with clarity because the truth is, I don’t need to.

I don’t need to make eye contact at the gym, because I’m not there to make friends. I don’t need to see that we need to repaint the walls because that would mean doing it ourselves or paying someone $15k to do them, either of which we’re not prepared to do just yet. Same with the kitchen. And I don’t want to scroll through my phone so early in the morning to read about Palestine or another guilt trip that we’re not doing enough for climate change (sorry, it’s actually too late at this point).

What I ate (over the long weekend)

1. All Indian restaurants in Auckland seem to use the same recipe for their dishes which doesn’t really matter because 99% of the time, it’s good. It’s the kind of goodness that’s impossible to replicate. And don’t bother with pre-made mixes or sauces; they never come close to the real thing. And because the dishes seem identical wherever you buy them, I don’t quite remember where we get our favourite curries - mine is ALWAYS a lamb madras - except that it’s local. This is the one time I go all out on carbs - basmati rice and three garlic naan - because the sauce is so rich, that one serving (at less than $20 for the whole combo), lasts me THREE meals. People always joke about Filipinos eating a whole pot or rice with one cup of gravy and well it’s true. Very satisfying.

2. There’s a Malaysian restaurant that serves crispy chicken skin, but theirs is battered which in my mind, probably doubles up the fat content. Occasionally, I save the skin from my chicken and cook them in one go, but in the oven at a low temp until they’re completely rendered. I just season it with sea salt and pepper; dipping sauce is Pinakurat vinegar.

3. Moustache cookies.

4. For Sam’s birthday dinner, we went to the most basic French restaurant there is Le Garde-Manger. But basic probably works because it has outlasted every other fancy French resto since opening in 2010. It probably defies trends, but the menu has changed very little; the same old classics are there with occasional specials written on the board. While not French, I ordered the fish special which was a perfectly cooked piece of snapper fillet. The accompanying side of ratatouille was so good, that I replicated it the next day. Just don’t make the mistake of having them make a cake (which turned out to be a tiny, dry forgettable chocolate cake) and order their desert crepes instead.

5. For Sam’s birthday cake, we decided to make Ina Garten’s (in)famous Mocha Icebox cake.

Sunday

We finally took down the Christmas trees, took the mattress that Dylan slept on when he was here back to the garage, re-arranged the plants and cleaned up my desk. The holidays are officially over.

It’s too hot to work from home (we don’t have AC) even if the second floor has plenty of windows and two sliding doors that open to the deck- but what is 26 degrees compared to a summer’s day in Pangasinan or maybe Dubai??

And yet here I am, topless, sipping water every hour and feeling that heat lethargy where half of your brain feels like mush.

And yet I have fallen in love with summer, with sunshine. I read somewhere that a man needs vitamin D to boost testosterone; so maybe I had been feeling the ‘boost’. But I’m still wary of it. A decade ago, people I knew were laughing at my SPF 80 sunscreen but look who’s laughing now. The last three years, the sunscreening has expanded to include my neck and my hands.

They say there’s a hole in the ozone right over New Zealand, so even if a 31 degree day in the scheme of things isn’t really hot, we got it worse.

It’s a bitch to deep fry in the heat, but the easiest meat in the deep freeze to cook are boneless chicken thighs so fried-chicken it is. I have the recipe for ‘popcorn chicken’ down pat which is really all in the batter. I never used to have a measurement for it, hence, the inconsistency but now I do. The ratio of flour to tapioca starch (or cornstarch) should always be one to one with a teaspoon of baking powder. From there, I just make variations on the flavouring. I’ve always been partial to Chinese five-spice or plain salted- this is because I always eat it with rice and a buffalo-ranch style of coating doesn’t really suit.

We bought the viral KMart mini rice cooker and it’s perfect; I don’t eat any more than a cup of rice and it makes enough for dinner and for lunch the next day.

Popcorn chicken

I’ve tried frying a couple of basil leaves and discovered that it’s pointless - they don’t have any flavour at all.

The mini

For the petite rice-eater

For comparison

This is the rice cooker we have at home in Pangasinan; but mind you that my brother and his family live with my mum and he has three growing boys. Like me, my mum limits her rice intake as well.

Amelita Amor Agbayani: 1938 - 2024

One of my most enduring fantasies was to find myself back again in Fairview, at my aunt’s house.

In this fantasy, it is a cool day in June and the trees and plants are lush. It’s quiet even if we’re in the middle of a hectic urban sprawl. We sit in her garden and talk for hours and hours. I tell her everything and she just listens, every so often nodding or saying her piece.

We notice that it’s gotten dark and we go inside where we sit down to a dinner of dishes she’s made that I could neither forget nor replicate; buttery soft Bistek Tagalog, rich beef caldereta and pork binagoongan with an impossibly perfect ratio of meat to fat.

But sadly, regretfully, it will be just that - a fantasy.

I never did get to visit.

I have a million reasons (or excuses) and I think that she would tell me to my face, how wrong I was on all of them. She would say this in a tone that is just slightly reproachful and firm enough that it makes you think twice about answering back.

I’m actually referencing my dad here, but only because they were so alike. They loathed inaction and hated it even more when you attempted to defend your inaction.

Perhaps the true fantastical bit about this fantasy is being able to talk to them the way I picture it in my head. They were so stoic, so forbidding (the demeanour only softening when they sit down to a meal they’ve cooked for their family) that you often stayed out of sight, out of mind.

Would they have indulged me?

I’d like to think that she would, but I don’t know and I’ll never know.

Today

Finally and literally got to the root of the problem as to why our 6-year old calathea plant was feeling the blues; her soil was water-logged (what looked like clumpy clay was mixed in her soil mix) and her roots had started to rot.

So we spent the better part of the afternoon splitting her in two, repotting two other indoor plants that I got as gifts as well as an olive tree that I got for myself as a New Year gift.

Dear Diary

Going through some of my stationery, I found an old Moleskine journal that was gifted to me (along with a Lamy pen) for Christmas 2019. The last entry was May of 2020- a time in which most of my entries were on this blog.

It wouldn’t hurt to resume using it.

Dear Diary,
1. I love the kids and I’m glad that when I don’t feel a 100% (just tired really and bloated from all the food the last couple of days), I can step away. As a parent, I probably can’t. I guess I would have to watch Aquaman all by myself now.
2. Some writer said, to make a resolution about something bigger than yourself. That the great wide world wouldn’t really care if you lose weight, or work out, or work harder, or quit drinking or smoking. The world may not care, but I do, so FUCK YOU.
3. How about asking the people and the entities who actually do have the power and the influence to fast-track things instead?? Ask Israel, Palestine, the Russians and the Ukrainians and the billionaires to sort things out and stop fucking the rest of us.
4. Ugh, now I need a drink (the only time I ever consume alcohol is over the holidays) but where to get mint?? I feel like doing a couple of mojitos.
5. A neighbour and co-worker dropped off some mint for me- bless you Angelique.
6. Suddenly, friends who’ve been actively messaging you all year are suddenly quiet when the holidays come.
7. Speaking of people you know, how brave are you to admit that if you never hear from some of them again, it really wouldn’t matter?
9. How many more stuff can you buy?? You can never have enough shoes, or clothes but at some point, you need to say, I should stop buying now.
10. Prosperity bowls are all the rage but they’re so complicated! I’d rather put the effort at work which should hopefully give me prosperity!
11. I’m superstitious about superstitions; what if it doesn’t work? Or worse, what if it brings you the opposite? I’ll just take my chances.
12. Or I’ll continue praying to God.

2024 resolutions

Why wait, when you can start now?

1. Don’t wait, just do it. For someone who has been wearing Nike for decades, I wasn’t really smart enough to believe that the slogan actually works.

2. Stick to what you’re really, really good at and perfect it.

3. Words have power; use them responsibly.

4. Words have consequences; be careful with them.

5. It’s okay to be selfish rather than come off as insincere.

6. Edit, edit, edit. You don’t need to buy that fourth tiny block of $40 cheese just because you saw it in a movie.

7. It sucks, but opt for dental care over YSL.

8. Read more, stream less.

9. Cook more but eat less.

10. Your creativity is boundless; just let go…

About last night

Most of my life has been really about living for the moment and not worrying (or planning) about tomorrow. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who have reminded me at crucial moments, that I needed to plan and get some important things done.

Citizenship wasn’t really one of them. There’s intrinsically not much difference between a permanent resident and a citizen, and as someone who sees travel as more of an obligation, I had the requisite valid visas anyway (the US, Australia) if I needed to travel.

But one day I just thought, fuck it.

So here we are.

Tuesday

I had a consult today with my GP.

The horror stories you normally hear about the health-care system in New Zealand isn’t about insurance (the NZ government pays for health-care services) or lawsuits, but about a lack of doctors and long waiting lists. So you try (and pray) your damn hardest not to get sick, and that if you did, knock on wood that it’s just the common cold.

I went for a different matter - I’m fine by the way - and I was surprised that there was an immediate opening. My current doctor is old, like senior citizen old, just like my previous GP who I think, got sick on the job and was now probably and definitely retired (I hope) and enjoying sunny Brighton (in England) where he’s originally from. But old doctors are the best. They have a relaxed and cheerful demeanour even when they’re desperately trying to find you a good systolic reading using a manual blood pressure monitor.

Jaqueline - my current GP - is a tall and statuesque lady who occasionally lapses into citing current studies that she’s read about, or diagramming on paper, the relationship between enzymes and bodily organs. She also patiently listens to my attempt at self-diagnoses and neither contradicts nor reproaches me (I wasn’t wrong anyway, just saying).

She saw me at 9:50 when our appointment was at 9:30 and we wrapped up at 10:45, but I didn’t complain; the whole session was worth the $50 it cost (in New Zealand, this is relatively very high).

For dinner, I thought, why not a salad? And no - it had nothing to do with my doctor’s appointment - I was still having flashbacks of that salad I had at Brewd Hawt, and the realisation that we have been doing our dressings wrong.

I didn't have iceberg lettuce - and it’s really the ideal type of lettuce for this - but use whatever you have because the point is, you need to eat those goddamned salad leaves before they go off. I had curly lettuce which I washed, dried and roughly chopped up. For the dressing, it was mayo, hot sauce, mustard and miso with some EVOO.

Drizzled that over the lettuce, did a generous sprinkling of that bagel seasoning and just because I was feeling extra, grated some parmigiana reggiano on top. YUM.

PS: my cholesterol levels were amazing the doctor said and the figure did make me gasp (a 2.2). To think that for the last 6 months, I’ve been eating butter as if it were cheese. See? There are some small miracles there…

Very important things I've only known recently

1. To avoid laundry lines across your $120US James Pearse shirts - or any shirt for that matter- you need to peg it as far on the sides of the shirt as you can.

2. When cooking adobo, don’t cover it when you’ve just put vinegar; you need to allow it to evaporate.

3. Same goes when using wine for such dishes as bourguignon.

4. Even supposedly good things like huge, fat heirloom tomatoes when eaten in excess, can be bad.

5. Same goes for ethical shrimp (very, very bad).

6. Simplify your Christmas menu; YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE who’s going to eat that $200, 15 gram tin of Caviar Beluga Pur sel

7. You can never, ever have enough shoes

8. You can sleep/nap for like 15 min and be refreshed.

Why?

1.Why are the leaves of my calathea curling up and dying?? (soil is not dry nor waterlogged, humidity is okay..)

2. Why do I always end up with so much waste and so many dishes to clean up after?

3. Why does the New Zealand still doesn’t have a formal government?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS VOTED FOR IDIOTS (Luxon, Peters and Seymour).

4. Why is Trump still relevant?? Oh wait, I know the answer to this one - because IDIOTS STILL SUPPORT THE IDIOTS!

5. Why are Israel and Palestine fighting each other?? (I’m tired of caring).

6. Why do I feel that I’m still 32 (my best year)??.

Monday's list

1. Five weeks before Christmas! And I’m excited because it’s the only real break from work that I’ll get.

2. Gave myself a pre-Christmas present - a new (Kitchen Aid) mixer - and the challenge of baking my own favourite cakes (Black Forest, Sans Rival).

3. Ahhh, 2023 done; the year of personal injuries. We may not look it, but we are sadly falling apart.

4. Should finish that novel I started to the bitter end.

5. Should get a head-start on my 2024 New Year’s resolution list (when you’re older, you have to start earlier than everyone else).

My Saturday

I think I’ve mentioned before that Saturday is my only true ‘free day’; so it’s all about me and about relaxing a little bit. Catch up on reading, streaming and a nice lazy dinner (and snacks = a tub of ice-cream).

Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

I have two Nobel Prize literature winners in my queue but there are days when I simply like my reading to be just entertainment (like watching a Netflix show) and Yarros’ book on dragons and their magic-channeling riders does the trick. I just skip all the romantic parts which I find just laughable (the image I used here is a random one I just picked from the internet).

Hello Godzilla

I was about to put my Apple TV + account on hiatus after finishing the second seasons of Foundation and Invasion (streaming prices have gone up haven’t you notice?) when this comes along. Can’t really resist a monster (or two, three?).

Papa's Chicken

I have two weeks worth of food in the freezer, but I decided to give cooking a rest. It was a choice between this or Dominos.

FriYAY

I was trying to, as idiots are fond of saying lately, ‘manifest’ an imaginary sickness today, but it didn’t manifest. Perhaps, you can only manifest positive things. So I soldiered on; woke up at 6am even though I was working from home, showered but didn’t wash my face (I just splashed very cold water on it and slathered on a light day cream). I figured that if I had put on it hundreds of dollars worth of products just barely eight hours ago, I shouldn’t wash it off just yet.

It was raining and all I could see across the water was a blank, white wall of nothing. But at least I wasn’t feeling bleh like I did this whole week. It’s hard to pin down, this blehness. Work was fine (it was actually great because the pace was brisk just the way I prefer it). The cat was fine (she had a wound on her paw from a dawn fight that was caught by the security cameras). Her insurance said they had lifted an important exclusion which was injuries sustained from a fight. It saved us $450- FOUR FIFTY which is half the mortgage payment I put in every fortnight.

(My)life was okay (skipped reading the news today) according to my own standards, and that’s fine. That’s valid.

Did a survey from Vote Compass which is a tool developed by political scientists to help you explore how your views align with those of the country’s political parties and it turns out, I actually didn’t know a lot. I cared a lot, but I didn’t know anything about fiscal policies, the impact of them on social services, housing issues, justice and the court system or education. I had a lot of I-Don’t-Know and neutral answers.

All I was really from how I pictured it, was a middle-aged man spending his disposable income on shoes, facial oils and grass-fed beef. I must emphasise though that I care, I really do, deep inside. And you know what? That’s fine. That’s valid.

Happy FriYay!

A very loud wedding

Three times I got an alert from my Apple Watch saying that the sound in the hall exceeded 95 decibels (just FYI, anything above 70 is harmful).

But Pasifika weddings have never been small affairs; literally everything is big, the venue, the participants, the food, the tears and the unabashed show of affection and love.

You go home full, albeit with a slight ringing in your ears.

Kuya Iggy: 1965 - 2023

Happiness is...

1. An entire fish (a 600 gram golden pompano in this case) for my dinner. There is a Laotian restaurant in the city that I go to at least twice a year where I order their whole deep-fried snapper, buried under a mound of (more fish) fish larb and herbs.

2. Knowing I could lose 2 kgs in a week and then gaining them back just because

3. Not remembering dreams that give you that feeling you’ve done something wrong

4. Not really caring about politics or climate change (I’ll just take my chances).

5. Finding a dentist you actually like

6. Able to give your best even if you’re not at your best

7. Having ZERO envy

8. Still feeling some bitterness when you remember people who have slighted you

9. Wishing them DEAD and NOT giving a fuck

10. Feeling contrite after wishing them ill and asking forgiveness