to be with you. Blech.

When I look back, I am occasionally amazed at how far I've come from being someone who didn't actually have close friends at 16 (at sixteen!!!) to being someone whose rare quiet periods have become cause for concern for people around me, some of whom I am not even that close to.

But this is much I know; even the best of people can disappoint. It may or it may not be their own fault, but while it takes effort to be within a circle, it takes even even more to be out of it and on your own.

While I can say that I'm fortunate enough not to be forced to be with people I don't like, I certainly wish that I could spend more time with a rare few. 

But we can only push ourselves so much and I certainly have in more ways than one....

And no, the pic has no relation to this post. I just think it's a funny picture of my brother posing with a dog who likes to sit on a wicker chair.

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Lust 3

You could read this on Lei's blog, but I'm posting it here just the same;

I just find it odd that lust has become one of those ambiguous words (another one is love) that makes people either titter in embarrassment or laugh out loud in utter amusement. Even Google couldn't make up its mind - lust is defined as 'a strong craving or desire for' and 'lecherousness.' Go figure. I mean, just because you strongly desire something (or someone for that matter) doesn't necessarily mean you're lecherous. Or does it?

I lust after Coach and Juicy Couture bags but I don't love them enough to throw 15thousand pesos ($300) on one bag. I love Nine West bags, but only when they're discounted.

I lust after medium rare steaks swimming in gravy, but I love myself too much so I'm stuck with eating fruits and veggies until I lose at least 15 pounds.

I lust after handsome topless men in huge billboards but I love my BH so much I wouldn't trade him for ten of these men. (Oh wait, ten... hmmm... ;-P)

Point is, even though I lust after some things, without love I'm not gonna do anything about it. And yes Ry, elusive as it may be, when love and lust collide, intertwine, and explode, then there's where you'll find magic.

And I'm proud to say that right now, I'm in a relationship where passion is a product of love and lust. And magic is something I experience everyday.

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Lust 2

For lunch, I specifically asked for an extra egg (forgetting again to ask that I wanted my eggs un-runny) and an extra serving of bacon. I was craving for the ubiquitously named Kiwi Breakfast. But something got lost in the translation. The Chinese chick who took my order was dazzled by my extreme handsomeness and by the time my order arrived, I was looking at the result of her momentary lapse in concentration- four eggs. 

D smirked. He was not having any cast-offs; he had ordered a mushroom omelet. 

So I just dug in and guess what? It was like an unexpected moment of sexual passion. 

But I'm keeping my lips sealed; I don't fuck and tell.

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answers to some questions

On Lust and Love

Eating an entire plate of nothing but roast-pork (belly area with some ribs) may be quite lustful (or more aptly, greedy= gluttony), but it's love. I love pork. Should I wake up one day and find that I could no longer eat it, I would probably go into therapy. Become a bit suicidal.

I lust after books, but I don't love them enough to keep them as my best friend Leila does.

I lust after good clothes, but I love my body better beyond whatever superficial camouflage or enhancement that clothes may give it. I can go naked (I can), or wear jeans and a ratty shirt forever (well, not really).

I lust after gadgets, but I love the silence of being incommunicado when phone lines and failed internet connections put you away from the radar.

I lust after beauty and perfection, but I love imperfection more especially when it's marked by fierce, unwavering intelligence (we're always fond of saying that we love fucking the Giselles, but end up marrying the Janeane Garofalos)

And there's the rarity of intertwined lust and love. Sometimes opposing. Sometimes complementary. But each having equal weight. When it comes to people, the realness comes when you both love and desire them and that for me is non-negotiable. 

On 'getting over' someone

You get over a mistake. You get over an embarrassment. You get over the fact that you still can't fit into a pair of size 30 jeans. 

You get over the fact that you will never have naturally white skin. You get over the fact that you will never progress beyond basic math (and still struggle subtracting 68-16 mentally).

You get over the fact that you will look 30 forever (well, at least for the next 15 years).

But you don't 'get over' someone. I don't.

Firstly because I rarely get into superficial, clearly transitory relationships. I also have this conceit that I don't fall for just anyone; someone so generically unexceptional you can easily get over. Like burping after a meal. A sort of afterthought. It's more satisfying to be challenged, to be rejected even, to be in pain. To be caught in the chaos of conflict, compromise, sexual torment and deceit (the deceit part is highly exaggerated).

Getting over someone is what normal, generic people do. Stories from those episodes become fodder for office gossip, or over barbecue at a pretentious shindig somewhere in Ponsonby. 

Why bother with people who can never make your very cells tingle? 

I love long. rambling, richly textured, multi-layered stories and even if a friend of mine has warned me that it may never be resolved, I don't really care. 

Who wants resolution? Who wants a boringly, immediate ending? Who wants a frighteningly bright and clear answer? It's like looking straight at the sun- you'd burn your damned corneas.

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last stab at summer

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postcript

I don't seem to distinguish weekdays from weekends that much anymore, but maybe it's just one of those things you feel for the moment, only to fall back into the more acceptable dislike of 9 to 5 days. But I like work- it has its charms, its rhythms. I like weekends, with the chance to cook; to have semi-raw burgers like I did last Sunday and a tall glass of 'real' coke (real sugar, yey!) and to run it all off until I could feel my neat compact calves tighten to the point of bursting (need new running shoes probably).

The secret bridge is in sleeping well which I don't have a problem with really. Give me good sleep and weekdays and weekends meld into one seamless tide of time.

Why do I even bother convincing people that I'm flowing well with the tide? Happiness is really so simple, but people seem to believe that it is like a third-world country document with so many conditionalities and requirements.

It's either you are or you're not. Don't even bother looking underneath the damned rug.

She may hate you, but you can still be happy. You're in deep credit card debt, but you can still be happy. He may be married to that dog-faced chick, but you can still be happy.

The one person in the world who was truly and unequivocally my soul-mate is truly and unequivocally dead, but when I looked into what I thought was a void I could never possibly fill, I saw grief. It was dark, dark grieving, but it was still something as opposed to finding nothing.

And that made me happy; to find that there is still something I can work on. Something to build on.

So please let me be.

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I was wondering Nat, if this look is really 'me'

Cap ($80) by Inverallan. Shovel ($30) by Ames. Boot ($232) by Rokin Footwear. Pants ($589) by rby45rpm. Shirt ($85) by Velour. Jacket ($320) by Beams. Sweater ($340) by Canadian Sweater Company.

PS; i do have a pair of those Rokin boots (in black) back in the Philippines

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wish list

Glasses ($139) by Ray Ban. Bag (brown; $695) by Belstaff. Bag (green; $345) by Billy Kirk. Shirt ($190) by Gitman Bros. Cardigan ($172) by Ralph Lauren. Jeans ($192) by Levis. Jacket ($400) by Our Legacy. Shoes ($350) by Rachel Comey. Camera ($1,000) by Panasonic. Watch ($150) by Timex. iPhone ($100) by Apple. Books: The Vesuvius Club ($15) by Mark Gatiss; For Whom The Bell Tolls ($20) by Ernest Hemingway.

(from uncrate.com)

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filching this from Leila/ Let it go

This is so much like me getting rid of all my nike stuff; time for something different. I wouldn't want emotional gravity to pull down my skin. I say, good riddance. 

There are people who can walk away from you..

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.... ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

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